BANZANI7 NEWS, a Banzai7 Affiliate--Reporting from Tehran and Beirut -- Iran's most powerful figure today dismissed President Obama's extraordinary Persian New Year gesture, insisting that the U.S. administration's must first explain how he can recover the money he invested with Bernie Madoff.
Supreme leader Ali Khamaniac, who is Iran's highest spiritual, military and political investment adviser, told supporters in his hometown of Mash-up today that "changes in words" won't be enough to convince Iran that the Obama administration is sincere in its efforts to seek restitution for Madoff investors like himself.
Well its been an exciting season on Wall Street. We've seen many upsets, we've vicariously experienced the agony of defeat and we have yet to experience the thrill of victory.
The season began in March 2008 with the surprise elimination of Bear Stearns & Co. Many attribute that upset to bumbling coach Jimmy Cayne's preoccupation with tournament bridge. Later in the season we saw some amazingly risky play, all of which due to a combination of poor planning and team cockiness resulted in early eliminations. Lehman was the first to go under the stewardship of Dick (the "Gorilla") Fuld. Many say the Gorilla underestimated the resolve of tournament officials, lead by Lead Referee Benny Bernanke, to hold each team accountable for its risky on court behavior. Moreover, Dicks 11th hour plan to import Korean ringers seemed doomed to failure from the start.
Next to go, the Merrill Lynch Bulls. The Bulls made the mistake of a flawed subprime strategy from the get go. In addition, their preoccupation with big bonus contracts lead to their eventual demise under coach Johnny Thain. Thain distracted himself decorating his new office while his players shot themselves up with derivative steroids. In the end, Thain's team threw in the cards in an upset victory by Bank America led by coach Ken "Screwless" Lewis.
The surprise story was AIG. Who would have believed that a team consisting of derivative trailer trash could bulk itself up on subprime steroids and very nearly drag all of the other teams to oblivion. In the end AIG fell to Goldman Sachs who seemed to have the "inside" advantage under the net, despite the chorus of outrage alleging suspect officiating.
Well here they are are, the Banzai7 Bailout final four round up:
CITIGROUP: CITI is the only team operating with new coaches. Coach Vikram 'Rah Rah' Pandit is reputedly a technical genius, but he has the odd habit of over- communicating with his players in written memos. Pandits latest plan has been to divide his time into a good team and a bad team. Lately he has been preoccupied remodeling his office. He also likes to send memos summarising team stats. Hopefully he won't repeat some of the commodious mistakes made by Johnny Thain.
BAC: BAC under the leadership of coach Ken "Screwless Lewis" earned its place in the final four by defeating Countrywide and the Merrill Bulls. Later, in a surprise move, BAC brought in many of the overpriced Bulls including Johnny Thain. Unlike CITI, BAC is sticking to its bad bank strategy. Lewis is reputedly a volatile "take no prisoners" martinet who keeps a live bailout hand grenade on his desk. Bobby Knight would be proud.
MORGAN STANLEY: MORGAN STANLEY has always been affectionately thought of as America's team. In recent years they experienced internal strife. Coach Johnny Mack is a dedicated, bread and potatoes man who says he loves what he does even when he does it for free. Some question his preoccupation with Japanese players. He has done very well in steering his team away from controversy and keeping his teams nose to the grindstone.
GOLDMAN SACHS: GOLDMAN SACHS is perhaps the most reviled of the four teams. This follows from a combination of overeaching and cockiness following a nail biter with AIG that almost led to Goldman's own early elimination. Coach Blankfein is a smooth operator, but many blame him for nearly sinking the franchise. Lately Goldman has experienced controversy surrounding the alleged impropriety in its TARP bailout financing as well as conflicts of interest involving officials.
There you have it. This years Bailout Final Four. As you know, the last team standing will earn the chance to go head to head with Jamie Dimon's J.P. MORGAN CHASE. A team which many say has executed flawlessly all season.
BOSTON (Reuters) - Hundreds of people in the United States are under investigation for financial scams, many involving Ponzi schemes, a U.S. regulator said on Friday, calling the phenomenon "rampant Ponzimonium."
P.O.N.Z.I. MONIUM in the U.S.A. (R.O.C.K. in the USA, John Mellencamp) WilliamBanzai7
Sing along link: http://hk.youtube.com/watch?v=99DH5Eg-VcQ
They came to the big City To become scamster Wall Street clowns Market zealots, MBAs, Quants, Hucksters and Cons Smokin securitized crack boom bam Chorus: PONZI MONIUM in the U.S.A. PONZI MONIUM its the Wall Street way PONZI MONIUM in the U.S.A., yeah, yeah! PONZI' in the U.S.A.
Said goodbye to business ethics Said goodbye to good business sense With dreams of bonus treasure in their heads And lots of leverage and OPM in their hands Some are black most are white Ain't to proud to sleep on the NYSE floor tonight With the blind faith in Croesus you know that they just might, be PONZI' in the U.S.A. Hey!
Voices from Friedman, Greenspan And the rest of those Chicago School clowns Filled their heads full of dreams of limitless greed Turned the world of finance upside down
There was DICKIE FULD--JIMMY CAYNE--JOHNNY THAIN (they were PONZI SCAMIN') CITI--UBS--AIG--BAC (they were SCAMIN') Spotlight on MADOFF Let's don't forget CHUCKIE PRINCE, STAN O NEAL, BLANKFEIN and PANDIT THE CLOWN PONZI' in the U.S.A. PONZI' in the U.S.A. Hey!
Chorus: PONZI MONIUM' in the U.S.A. PONZI MONIUM' its the Wall Street way PONZI MONIUM' in the U.S.A. yeah, yeah! PONZI' in the U.S.A.
In the just a little late category, this week the Treasury Department ran job advertisements seeking applicants for executive compensation specialists. The Washington Times reports the postings — on a government jobs database — list duties like "recovery of bonuses" and "limitations on senior executives' compensation."
I think they need to hire Jigaboo Jones, an expert with the right know-how:
But in stark contrast with 1953, the prevailing conviction among many American opinion leaders, including the senators who grilled Wagoner and the heads of Ford, Chrysler, and the United Auto Workers, was that GM doesn’t matter at all. Because GM had lost so much ground to Toyota and other Japanese manufacturers, decision makers in New York and Washington seemed to have concluded that a Toyota job in Texas was the same as a GM job in Michigan.
Many average Americans also seemed to have turned against GM, judging not only from their purchasing patterns but also from the burst of letters from readers in major business publications. “While the GM corporate types were hauling their truckloads full of salary, stock options and bonuses to their banks, realtors and brokers year after year, Japan’s automakers were quietly feeling our nation’s pulse, watching world events unfold, adjusting their corporate strategies and building our automotive future,” wrote Mark Nickels of Manitowoc, Wisconsin, to the Wall Street Journal in early 2008. “What does GM stand for? Visionless pathetic leadership, master blame gamers, out of touch with American consumers, laggards— I could go on.”
Or as a blogger, williambanzai7, put it on BusinessWeek online in June 2008, “This company is a giant quagmire of mismanagement, intractability, intellectual laziness and competitive stupidity. I don’t know anyone who would buy one of their gas guzzlers, and I predict that after a long drawn out pro cess of denial, this hulk will be extinct. Labor, if you want to build cars, tell your members to go work for Toyota.”
Bet you did'nt know I am a closet Auto industry expert.
I just re-read Grechen Morgenson's (NYT) October 2008 Article (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/28/business/28melt.html) from which the following is an excerpt:
"As the group, led by Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulsen, pondered the collapse of one of America’s oldest investment banks, Lehman Brothers, a more dangerous threat emerged: American International Group, the world’s largest insurer, was teetering. A.I.G. needed billions of dollars to right itself and had suddenly begged for help.
One of the Wall Street chief executives participating in the meeting was Lloyd C, Blankfein of Goldman Sachs, Mr. Paulson’s former firm. Mr. Blankfein had particular reason for concern.
Although it was not widely known, Goldman, a Wall Street stalwart that had seemed immune to its rivals’ woes, was A.I.G.’s largest trading partner, according to six people close to the insurer who requested anonymity because of confidentiality agreements. A collapse of the insurer threatened to leave a hole of as much as $20 billion in Goldman’s side, several of these people said.
Days later, federal officials, who had let Lehman die and initially balked at tossing a lifeline to A.I.G., ended up bailing out the insurer for $85 billion.
Their message was simple: Lehman was expendable. But if A.I.G. unspooled, so could some of the mightiest enterprises in the world.
A Goldman spokesman said in an interview that the firm was never imperiled by A.I.G.’s troubles and that Mr. Blankfein participated in the Fed discussions to safeguard the entire financial system, not his firm’s own interests."
According to the WSJ live blog of the call which can be viewed here (http://blogs.wsj.com/deals/2009/03/20/live-blogging-the-goldman-sachs-aig-call/ ), a Goldman representative today said: "We [WSJ] ask if GS alerted the Treasury about the potential systemic risk in AIG’s fall. There were no meetings between Lloyd and Hank Paulson. Alerting people — we meet with our regulators regularly, and all through our big exposures, and our regulators were posted."
First off, this is inconsistent with what Morgenson was told last Fall. Morgenson is not a sloppy reporter. Second, I don't believe that Blankfein, who was apparently Paulsen's youger protege at Goldman, did not have any conversations about the big picture with his former boss. I just don't believe it.
Perhaps Barney Rubble and his cadre of Capital Hill financial experts should subpeona Blankfein and Paulsen to find out exactly what conversations occurred and when.
Why I am harping about this. Well the problem our beloved financial system is facing is a crisis of confidence first and foremost. The cronyism that allowed Goldman to avoid destruction last September is one of the many imperfections that will have to be exorcised before anyone (but Wall Street itself) will once again believe that Wall Street is something other than a rigged game.
(CNN) -- Forget Al Qaeda, Weapons of Mass Destruction and the Axis of Evil. A once obscure acronym is on the lips of President Barack Obama, just about every politician in Washington and a lot of angry taxpayers nationwide. Its AIG...
To rap up a week of shadow bailout and bonus lootng disclosures at AIG, Barney Frank's AIG bonus inquisition, Blog posts and radio interviews with Elliot Spitzer, Congressional outrage and special bonus taxes, pussycat public protests and a Presidential wrap up on the Jay Leno Show, Friday morning Goldman Sachs will host a special conference call to: "answer questions from journalists, and clarify certain misperceptions in the press regarding Goldman Sachs' trading relationship with American International Group."
Make no mistake, Goldman has its best road show impresarios choreographing tomorrow's closing act. They will spin and spin about their hedging positions against AIG risk, how they were strong armed into accepting bailout money, how there were no conflicts last September when good citizen Blankfein urged the Fed to bail AIG. They will be innovating the truth in the mother of all roadshows and will be counting the gullibility of the American public.
I hope the media have the spine to expose the uncomfortable truth at this road show event. As Daniel Gross correctly points out on Slate, the inconvenient truth is that Goldman has become one of New York's biggest welfare queens.
Here is what stinks at Goldman Sachs, and no amount of factual innovation is going to stem the putrid odour. It is one thing for Goldman to be yet another bailout floozy. But Goldman has not admitted its showcase complicity in creating the mother of all financial meltdowns.
When the dolts at AIG designed the doomsday machine that is sucking Uncle Sam's wallet dry, you better believe Goldman bankers were there. Someone should ask what package of fee generating services was provided by Goldman Sachs to AIG leading up to the crisis. How much of the subprime garbage at AIG originated at Goldman? We all know that Goldman's derivative traders picked AIG's pockets.
That is fine a trade is a trade as they say.
What is not fine and stinks to high heavens, is the brazen conflicts that surface when you consider Hank Paulsen's past at Goldman, Blankfein's exclusive involvement in the discussions leading to the bailout coupled with Goldman's prominent role in creating Franken/A.I.G.
Mr. Blankfein presided over the debacle that brought his storied investment bank to its knees then he weaseled his way through the shadow bailout at AIG. This man who should by any measure lose his job, has been stomping the media pavement telling the world how the Goldman model is not broken.
Nothing at Goldman needs to be changed says he.
It is time for the media to turn the spotlight on Goldman Sachs.
WilliamBanzai7
From Kati on Slate: "William Banzai, thanks for the music. Singing and laughter are the only things protecting us from the hell created by those greedy vultures...."
sure know how to rock n roll. But at Goldman Sachs and AIG yesterday there were more cameramen than protestors.
Why is it that the French, who have all kinds of government entitlements, government paid medical care, free college tuition, 4 week vacations etc, are always violently protesting in the streets?
I know why, the reason they have all those entitlements is because they are always violently protesting in the streets.
I'm Blankfein, Brother Can You Spare a Dime? (Buddy Can You Spare a Dime) WilliamBanzai7
They used to tell me I was building a global investment bank, and so I followed the mob, When there were fees to plow, or risks to bear, I was always Johnny on the spot. They used to tell me I was building a global bank, with wealth and glory ahead, Why should I be standing in line, just waiting for bailout bread?
Once I built a golden bank, I made it run, made it race the markets. Once I built a golden investment bank; now it's done. I'm Blankfein, brother can you spare a dime?
Once I built a Wall Street tower, up to the sun, brick, and rivet, and lime; Once I built a tower, now it's not fun. Brother, can you spare a dime?
Once in Saville Row suits, gee we looked swell, Screwed all them Yankee Doodly Dummies, Half a million bankers went marching around the globe, Now I'm the guy with the bailout baton!
Say, don't you remember, they called me Slick; it was Slick all the time. Why don't you remember, I'm your pal? I'm Blankfein, brother can you spare a dime?
Once in Saville Row suits, gee we looked swell, Screwed all them Yankee Doodly Dummies, Half a million banker brogues went marching, Now I'm the guy with the bailout baton!
Say, don't you remember, they called me Slick; it was Slick all the time. Say, don't you remember, I'm your pal? I'm Blankfein, brother can you spare a dime?
WALL STREET FIGHTING MAN (Street Fighting Man, Rolling Stones) WilliamBanzai7
Everywhere I hear the sound of marching, charging feet, boy cause Ponzi ground zero's here and the time is right for fighting Wall Street in the street, boy But what can a poor boy do Except to sing for the Banzai7 band cause in good ol New York town Theres just no place for a Wall Street fighting man No
Hey! think the time is right for a financial revolution But where I live the game to play is quantitative convolution Well, then what can a poor boy do Except to sing for the Banzai7 band cause in good ol New York town Theres no place for a Wall Street fighting man No
Hey! said my name is called disturbance Ill shout and scream, Ill ream the Ponzi kings, Ill rail at all their servants Well, what can a poor boy do Except to sing for the Banzai7 band cause in good ol New York town Theres no place for a Wall Street fighting man No
There are news reports that executives of AIG and Merrill are being harangued and threatened by those angered by bonus gate. While the personal safety of these people and their families is a legitimate concern, the anger that is manifesting itself is not misplaced.
What we are seeing is a proverbial "tipping point" of popular outrage. When the system fails to hold those responsible accountable, while ordinary people are suffering, it should be no surprise that frustration boils over.
NEW YORK (MarketWatch) -- Goldman Sachs said it would hold a conference call with reporters on Friday to, "answer questions from journalists, and clarify certain misperceptions in the press regarding Goldman Sachs' trading relationship with American International Group."
How about Goldman's trading relationship with Hank Paulsen last September when the decision was made to bail AIG directly and Goldman indirectly?
LlOYD Hide the "AIG Shrek" Blankfein
"Hey, I'm nobody's messenger boy, all right? I'm a TARP bailout delivery boy."
NYT--In a move bound to feed public furor over perks at bailed-out banks, Citigroup plans to spend about $10 million to create new offices for its chief executive and his lieutenants, a project that calls for premium millwork and at least one Sub-Zero refrigerator.
OUR BANK (Our House, Stephen Stills) WilliamBanzai7
Come with me now And rest your weary heads for just five minutes Everything is good Such a commodious abode The windows are illuminated By the NY City skyline shining through them Fiery gems to cure our bailout blues Only our own bailout blues
Our bank is a very, very big bank Led by Pandit n two floors of banker canards Life can sometimes be so hard Now everything is easy 'Cause of Bailouts 1 and 2 And our la,la,la, la,la, la, la, la, la, la, la.....
Our bank is a very, very big bank With fat cats who don't smoke cigars Life used to be so hard Now everything is easy 'Cause of Bailouts 1 and 2 And Our la, la, la...........
[Pandit: "I don't want to hear it, these numbers had better match the numbers I leaked last week!!!!!!]
Four pink chiquitas from Omaha, Just waitin for that AIG man to return to the show. Feelin good, feelin right, its Wednesday night, The House detective -- he was out-a-sight. Now, these fine ladies, they had a plan, They was in there with bailout protest toys in their hands. They said, come on, dudes, lets get it on, And they proceeded to tear Barney Frank's hearing room down.
Meanwhile oustide AIG Financial Products the crowd turned ugly.
SUBPRIME BAILOUT PROTEST SONG (Melody:One, Two, Three What Are we Fighten For, Country Joe McDonald) Lyrics WlliamBanzai7
Yeah, come on all of you, big strong men, Uncle Sam needs your help again. He's got himself in a terrible financial jam Way down yonder in Wall Street land So pull out your check books and pick up a sponge, We're gonna have a whole lotta fun.
Chorus: And it's one, two, three, What are we bailing for ? Don't ask me, I don't give a damn, Next stop is a subprime scam; And it's five, six, seven, Open up them pearly TARP gates, Well there ain't no time to wonder why, Whoopee! your net worth's just got blown from the sky.
Well, come on regulators, let's move fast; Your big chance has come at last. Gotta go out and get those AIG boneheads The only good fraudster is the one locked up by the Feds And you know that prosperty can nerver be won Since they've blown their balance sheets to kingdom come.
Chorus
Well, come on Wall Street, don't move slow, Why man, this is subprime bailout au-go-go. There's plenty good money to be made By supplying those dumb Feds with the tools of the trade, Just hope and pray that if they drop the FWMD bomb, They drop it somewhere else like Hong Kong .
Chorus
Well, come on mothers throughout the land, Pack your boys off to Wall Street land. Come on fathers, don't hesitate, Send 'em off before it's too late. Be the first one on your block To have your 401k lost in a hedge fund black box.
WHO KILLED AIG? (Who Killed Davey Moore, Bob Dylan) WilliamBanzai7 Blog
Sing along: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62daicHQ9as
Who killed A-I-G, Why an' what's the reason for?
"Not we," say Greenburg, Sullivan and Willumstead "Don't point your finger at we three CEO braindead. We could've stopped it in the early days An' maybe kept it from this fate, But the markets would've booed, we're sure, At not gettin' its money's worth. It's too bad we three had to to go, But there was a pressure on we too, you know. It wasn't we three that made AIG fall. No, you can't blame we three for incompetence, lyin or financial thievery at all."
Who killed AIG, Why an' what's the reason for?
"Not we," cry AIG's derivative traders, Whose screams filled the trading floors loud. "It's too bad AIG died alright But we just like to write dumbass hedges all night. We didn't mean AIG t' meet its death, We just meant to plunder it with bonuses n obscene bets, There ain't nothing wrong in that. It wasn't us that made AIG fall. No, you can't blame us at all."
Who killed AIG, Why an' what's the reason for?
"Not we," say the politicians and regulators, Puffing on big Goldman private label cigars. "It's hard to say, it's hard to smell, We always thought that AIG was well. It's too bad for the taxpayers and shareholders AIG's walking dead, But if it was sick, someone else should've said. It wasn't we that made AIG fall. No, you can't blame we at all."
Who killed AIG, Why an' what's the reason for?
"Not we," say the gambling institutional AIG fans, With their unmailed proxy ballots still in their hands. "It wasn't we that knocked AIG down, Wh never dreamt AIG's Board was dumber than dumb. We didn't commit no ugly sin, Anyway, we put money on AIG to win. It wasn't we that made AIG fall. No, you can't blame we at all."
Who killed AIG, Why an' what's the reason for?
"Not we," says the rating agencies, Spewing useless drivel using their useless models, Sayin', "the Ratings ain't to blame, There's just as much danger in the subprime dating game." Sayin', "Financial innovation is here to stay, It's just the old American way. It wasn't we that made AIG fall. No, you can't blame we at all."
Who killed AIG, Why an' what's the reason for?
"Not we," says Goldman Sachs whose subprime trades Laid AIG low in a cloud of counterparty risk haze, Whose CEO led them through AIG's mega billion bailout back door Even though they say they were hedged from the ground to the top floor. "We hit em, we hit em, yes, it's true, But that's what we Wall Street bankers n traders are paid to do. Don't say 'murder,' don't say 'kill.' It was destiny, it was the market God's will."
The whole world is arguing about contract law and AIG Retention bonuses. But the bonuses have already been paid. Its a done deal. Good luck trying to recover the money.
Maybe its time to seriously consider who made this whole debacle possible. The AIG Board of Directors. Unfortunately, another facet of this whole financial soap opera is the feckless state of Delaware laws regarding director liability. Delaware is and has always been one big corporate Liberia. It is easier to catch Nigerian net scammers than it is win an action against a director under Delaware corporate law.
Nevertheless, we can start by visibly calling these highly regarded idiots to the carpet. They are out there somewhere. The members of AIG's Board are listed on EransWorld Blog under a post titled AIG's Ten Most Wanted: http://www.eransworld.com/my-rants/american-international-group-aig-10-wanted-fugitives/#comment-364
Today AIG Insurance Agent Edward Liddy is to head off to the Barney Frank Financial Services Inquisition...
In the early days of the Great Subprime Meltdown, to combat the rising tide of Wall Street financial chicanery, Congress gave Representative Barney Frank of Massachusetts leave to Subpeona without let or hindrance thoughout the financial services land in a reign of pretentious buffoonery, Wall Street CEO terror and tortured financial pseudo intellectualism, that makes for smashing prime time TV.
This was the Barney Frank Financial Services Inquisition....
No one expects the Financial Services Inquisition!!!!!!
I said it before and I will say iy again, I can't stand hypocracy. There is only one thing worse than listening to gay Republican child molesters lecture us about morality,
listening to:
1. Goldman Sach's CEO Blankfein brag that the Goldman model still works,
2. Deutschebank's CEO Ackerman yodel that they don't need to be bailed out; and
3. French politicians lecture us about our financial excess.
Hmmmm...on second thought, maybe listening to the gay GOP child molesters was worse.
Spitzer Interview on WNYC: http://blogs.wnyc.org/news/2009/03/18/eliot-spitzer-on-aig/
HERE'S TO YOU ELLIOT SPITZER (Mrs. Robinson, Simon and Garfunkle) WilliamBanzai7's Bailout Smart Club Band
And here's to you, Elliot Spitzer We all miss you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo) God bless you please, Elliot Spitzer Wall Street's one big golden playpen for those who prey (prey, prey, prey...hey, hey, hey) We'd like to know a little bit about your Slate blog for our files We'd like to help you learn to help yourself Look around you, all you see are securitized Wall Street lies Stroll around downtown and feel at home
And here's to you, Elliot Spitzer We all need you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo) God help us all, Elliot Spitzer Wall Streets stilla place for those who prey (Prey, prey prey...hey, hey, hey)
Hide it in a hiding place while the taxpayers get hosed Put it in an offshore pantry with their bonus cupcakes It's no little Goldman secret, AIG's the biggest Wall Street affair By and large, Blankfein's kept it under a bespoke trash lid
Coo, coo, ca-choo, Elliot Spitzer Wall Street's a bigger con job as you know (Wo, wo, wo) God help us please, Elliot Spitzer Sing, Sing holds a place for those who prey (Prey, prey, prey...hey, hey, hey)
Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon Listening to the Washington cretens debate Cry about it, shout about it They've got lots of time to schmooze Ev'ry way you look at it, in the long run we lose
What are you doin, Andrew Cuomo A nation turns its payback eyes to you (Woo, woo, woo) What's that you say, Elliot Spitzer Joltin' Cuomo has got to go a long, long way (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)
There are certain subjects that we at the BANZAI7 News Organization understand must be treated with the utmost seriousness, sensitivity and decorum. Today we discuss Bailout Seppuku, samurai ritualistic suicide when committed by incompetent Wall Street CEOs responsible for blowing up the global ponzi-economic system.
Yesterday Iowa Senator Charles Grassley challenged AIG executives with the following: "I would suggest the first thing that would make me feel a little bit better toward them if they'd follow the Japanese example and come before the American people and take that deep bow and say, 'I'm sorry,' and then either do one of two things: resign or go commit suicide."
What he is talking about is known in Japan as Bailout Seppuku (pronounced Bear Out-o Seppuku and not to be confused with Joe Serpico).
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the ritualistic intricacies of Bailout Seppuku we asked out lead commentator WilliamBanzai7 to research and prepare the following detailed report. As you will see, these are serious matters to consider. We urge Hank Greenberg, Martin Sullivan, Robert Willumstead (aka the Three AIG Stooges) to read this methodology carefully.
We further urge Senator Grassley to carefully view the video which reveals GOP Seppuku in technicolor. Afterall, he and his GOP posse share most of the blame for the mother of all Wall Street meltdowns.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!
The Fine Art of Bailout Seppuku WilliamBanzai7
Bailout Seppuku (only gaijin or smelly caucasian men refer to it as "hari-kari") is a highly ritualized road show performance, as complicated as chado (tea ceremony). The principle difference is that at the end of chado, one is merely nauseated from too much green tea, while at the end of bailout seppuku, ones Wall Street career is finished.
The first thing to do is to recruit an analyst, a kaishkunin. Contrary to what is thought, almost all forms of bailout seppuku do not technically involve suicide, but merely inflicting fatal humiliation upon oneself, preferably on the internet or the Daily Show. The kaishakunin does the actual killing. If one is ordered to commit seppuku by the bafuku (United States Congress), it will generally appoint its own kaishakunin. Otherwise, one should ask a great iaijutsuka (practitioner of the technique of killing with a single key stroke) or a close personal friend (as hard as they are to find on Wall Street these days) to be one’s kaishakunin. If asked out of friendship, one may refuse on the grounds that one’s waza (blogging technique) is inadequate; if the request is repeated, however, one should consent gracefully, as flaws in technique will be forgiven (by the blogosphere).
Bailout Seppuku is ideally committed in a corner office, a board or Penthouse (trading floors should not be defiled by bailout death). The participant dresses in Saville Row bespoke long underwear, to express purity of intention and sits in the seiza position (legs drawn up under the body so that one is actually sitting on one’s blackberry). A servant places the sanbo (a Bloomberg terminal) before one. It will be accompanied with a tin cup, a balance sheet (water soluble paper handmade from mulberry bark) and blogging accoutrements such as an executive assistant with a wireless laptop, and a copy of the ISDA form Credit Default swap with standard attachments (disemboweling blade). This can be a tanto (SWAP) without collateral ceiling, wrapped in several sheets of toilet paper to provide a better grip. Real Wall Street samurai, however, use their own wakizashi (ginzu steak knives). If one is of limited experience, or judged too dangerous to be trusted with complex derivatives, an autographed copy of Alan Greenspan's book "Age of Flatulence" may be substituted for an actual blade.
The tin cup is filled with Thunderbird from the left, by an attendant using his left hand (this is indescribably rude under other circumstances). The person committing bailout seppuku then empties it in two drinks of two sips each (one sip would show greed, whilst three or more would show even more greed). This makes a total of four sips; shi, "four", also means "trader death" (Japanese just love these kinds of puns, especially when they’re about to kill themselves).
One then writes a hail Mary sales pitch in the waka style (five lines of five, seven, seven, five, and seven syllables). The poem should be graceful, fraudulent, misleading, deceitful and about results of operations and capital resources. Under no means should it mention that the fact you are about to be terminated with "good cause".
At this point, the person slips out of his bespoke boxers (kamishimo) and places them under his chin to prevent him from doing something undignified like telling the truth or paying back last years bonus. He picks up the kozuka, and with his other hand picks up the sanbo and sticks it up his buttocks, to cause him to lean forward slightly in the proper attitude.
If the person committing is so young or so evil that Greenspan's book has been substituted, the kaishakunin executes a kirioroshi strike (vertical) over the head as soon as the person committing bailout seppuku touches the book to his stomach. Otherwise, he will typically wait until the person plunges the ISDA SWAP into his left eye, and draws it across to the right, with a sharp upward cut at the end. A Wall Street samurai who feels himself capable may then plunge the SWAP into his groin and then up his sorry ass. However, the kaishakunin is supposed to keep a sharp (heh, heh) eye out, and strike at the first sign of pain or hesitation in his principle.
After the executive committing bailout seppuku is finally humiliated, the sanbo, the kozuka, and the katana are all sold on EBAY.
[Special thanks to Rat's Nest Blog for providing data used in this description: http://www.win.net/ratsnest/archive-articles21/fog0000000384.html]
BUGGER OFF YOU BAILOUT BASTARDS
(Bugger Off, Irish Drinking Song)
WilliamBanzai7
HAPPY ST PATRICK'S DAY 2009
Chorus:
So bugger off, you Wall Street bastards bugger off! (Fook Yu!)
Bugger off, you deadbeat bastards bugger off! (Fook Yu!)
Like a herd of bloody swine that refuse to leave the trough
You'll get no more this evening so you bailout bastards bugger off
AIG you've been a lovely bailout zombie, but oh the time does pass.
So don't you all be bettin' the Feds won't kick you in the ass.
You've been a splendid bailout basket case, but enough is enough.
We'd take it very kindly AIG if you'd all just bugger off!
Chorus
Here's to all the bankers and lawyers who've been servin securitized beers,
and puttin up their knoxious greed and their stupid drunken schemes.
So leave your money on their table when you go,
tomorrow you'll have a sorry head and nothin left to show
Chorus
Here's to all them bailout bag ladies who might be waitin with tin pans in their hands,
and thinkin one of them might make a charmin one night stand.
Please don't be offended girls this song is not for you.
Uncle Sam will be happy to oblige you to get this nasty job through.
Chorus
So Timmy G you've been promisin these bailout girls a night of lovin bliss,
but truth be told your far to drunk on bailout swill to stand up straight and piss.
So give it up you lousy sod you'll not be gettin laid.
and the sooner that you're out the door the sooner Uncle Sam gets repaid.
Chorus
So bugger off, you Wall Street bastards bugger off! (Fook Yu!)
Bugger off, you deadbeat bastards bugger off! (Fook Yu!)
Like a herd of fooking swine that refuse to leave the trough
You'll get no more this evening so you bailout bastards bugger off
NYT--Goldman, which accepted billions of taxpayer dollars last fall and, as learned Sunday, was also a big beneficiary of the rescue of the American International Group, is offering to lend money to more than 1,000 employees who have been squeezed by the financial crisis. The loans, offered via e-mail last week, could range from a few thousand dollars to hundreds of thousands.
Apparently there are many Goldman bankers who do not have the cash flow to meet upcoming capital calls in certain Goldman affiliated private equity vehicles.
This is yet another manifestation of the warped economic reality of the Bailout Zone. Uncle Sam financing loans to indigent Goldman bankers.
You can read the full story over on Deal Book
Anyone who wants to know the terms of these loans raise your hand!
"Our model remains sound" Lloyd Blankfein, CEO Goldman Sachs
I received this comment today from Yearbooker on Slate:
"You seem to be driving at, to be hinting at, the possibility of something that crossed my mind earlier today regarding these employment contracts: are they really, truly contracts? Or are they in fact sweetheart deals hiding under the thinnest of contract veneers?
You were in top form today, by the way, with all your parody lyrics! I know, I know; the news of late has been overflowing with sujects simply begging to be your target, and of course, you feel it's the least you can do to oblige them. But today, you hit the bull's eye again, and again, and again. Bravo! Always appreciated, and many thanks!"
It does not get better than this. Thank you readers for visiting this site.
All content and images depicted on the WilliamBanzai7 Blog are intended solely as political editorial, critique, social commentary, satire and parody concerning current events and public figures.
As such, they should be viewed solely as opinion, comedy and artistic expression rather than factual reports regarding the relevant subject matter.
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