The Ad-dressing of Fat Cats
(The Ad-dressing of Cats, Old Possums Book of Practical Cats, TS Elliot)
WilliamBanzai7s Book of Wall Street Fat Cats
You've read of several kinds of Fat Cat,
And my opinion now is that
You should need no interpreter
to understand their shady character.
You now have learned enough to see
That Fat Cats are unfortunately much like you and me
And other people whome we find
Possessed of various types of irrationally exuberant mind.
Some are sane and many are mad
And some are good and even more are bad
And some are better, some still worse -
But all may be described in satirical verse.
You've seen them work their con games,
And learnt about their proper and improper names,
Their habits and their habitat:
How would you ad-dress a Wall Street Fat Cat?
So first, your memory I'll jog,
And say: A FAT CAT IS NOT AN AVERAGE DOG.
Now Average Dogs pretend they have financial foresight;
They often bark, more often not right;
But yet an Average Dog is, on the whole,
What you would call a regular soul.
Of course I'm not including day trading geeks,
And some other fantastic canine quant freaks.
The Average Dog seen hanging around lower downtown
Is much inclined to play a wealthy rich clown,
And far from showing a keen trading eye
Is frequently totally undignified.
He's very easily taken in -
Just chuck him underneath a power point pitch
Or slap his back or shake his paw,
And he will gamble and guffaw.
He's such an easy-going clueless lout,
He'll answer any hail or shout without nary a "due diligence" bout.
Again I must remind you that
A Dog's a Dog - A FAT CAT'S A FAT CAT.
With Fat Cats, some say, one rule is true:
Don't speak till you are spoken to.
Myself, I do not hold with that -
I say, you should ad-dress a Fat Cat.
But always keep in mind that he
Resents investor familiarity.
I bow, and keeping on my hat,
Ad-dress him in this form: Hello FAT CAT!
But if he is the Fat Cat next door,
Whom I have often met many times before
(He comes to see me on the Street)
I greet him with a YO FAT CAT!
I've heard them call him Jesse the "Fat Cat" James-
But we've not got so far as names.
Before a Fat Cat will condescend
To treat you as his trusted friend,
Some little financial token of esteem
Is needed, like a dish of finders fee cream;
And you might now and then supply
Some OTC fee caviare, or Strassburg Commission Pie,
Some potted syndication fee grouse, or book runner salmon paste -
He's sure to have his personal taste.
(I know a Cat, who makes a habit
Of eating nothing else but brake up fee wabbit,
And when he's finished, licks his paws
So's not to waste the toxic asset fee sauce.)
A Fat Cat's expected to expect
These evidences of monetary respect.
And so in time you reach your aim,
And finally call him by his FAT CAT NAME.
So this is this, and that is that:
And there's how you AD-DRESS A FAT CAT.