Tuesday, September 30, 2008

(Melody:One, Two, Three What Are we Fighten For,
Country Joe McDonald)
Lyrics WlliamBanzai7

Yeah, come on all of you, big strong men,
Uncle Sam needs your help again.
He's got himself in a financial jam
Way down yonder in Wall Street land
So pull out your check books and pick up a sponge,
We're gonna have a whole lotta fun.

And it's one, two, three,
What are we bailing for ?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is a subprime scam;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up them pearly TARP gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! your net worth's just got blown from the sky.

Well, come on regulators, let's move fast;
Your big chance has come at last.
Gotta go out and get those quant eggheads
The only good shylock banker is the one locked
up by the Feds
And you know that prosperty can only be won
When we've blown their balance sheets to kingdom come.


Well, come on Wall Street, don't move slow,
Why man, this is subprime bailout au-go-go.
There's plenty good money to be made
By supplying the Feds with the derivative tools of the trade,
Just hope and pray that if they drop the FWMD bomb,
They drop it somewhere else like Hong Kong .


Well, come on mothers throughout the land,
Pack your boys off to Wall Street land.
Come on fathers, don't hesitate,
Send 'em off before it's too late.
Be the first one on your block
To have your stocks sent home in a box.


Monday, September 29, 2008

(to the Melody of Desolation Row, Bob Dylan)

They're selling dark postcards of Wall Street
They're painting passbooks black
The air is filled with busted banker dread
The circus is in town
Here comes the blind SEC commissioner
They've got him in a trance
One hand is tied to the tight-rope walker
The other is in his pants
And the FBI they're restless
They need somewhere to go
As Lady luck and I look out tonight
From Desolation Row

Bailout Cinderella, she seems so easy
"It takes one to know one," she smiles
And puts her hands in her back pockets
Bette Davis style
And in comes Wall Street Romeo, he's moaning
"You Belong to Me I Believe"
And someone says," You're in the wrong place, my friend
You better leave"
And the only sound that's left
After the town car limo goes
Is Bailout Cinderella sweeping up
On Desolation Row

Now the market moon is almost hidden
The economic stars are beginning to hide
The fortunetelling lady
Has even taken all her things inside
All except for Paulson and Bernanke
And the lame hunchback of Pennsylvania Avenue
Everybody is making love
Or else expecting black market rain
And good old Warren, he's dressing
He's getting ready for the show
He's going to the carnival tonight
On Desolation Row

Now Dick Fuld, he's 'neath the window
For him I feel so afraid
On his sixty-second birthday
He is just an old Wall Street maid
To him, market death is quite romantic
He wears a pinstripe vest
His profession's his religion
Sins of greed yet to be confessed
And though his eyes are fixed upon
Noah's great rainbow
He spends his time peeking
Into Desolation Row

That "Maestro" Greenspan, disguised as Robin Hood
With his memories in a trunk
Passed this way an hour ago
With his friend, a seedy Wall Street skunk
He looked so immaculately frightful
As he bummed a cigarette
Then he went off sniffing drainpipes
And reciting the greek alphabet
Now you would not think to look at him
But he was famous long ago
For playing the free market violin
On Desolation Row

Dr. Bernanke, he keeps his world
Inside a Federal tin cup
But all his terminal patients
They're trying to blow it up
Now his nurse, some local loser
She's in charge of the subprime hole
And she also keeps the cards that read
"Have Mercy on their Souls"
They all play on penny whistles
You can hear them blow
If you lean your head out far enough
From Desolation Row

On the Street they've nailed the curtains
They're getting ready for the feast
The Phantom of the Markets
A perfect image of a priest
They're spoon feeding Hank Paulson
To get him to feel more assured
Then they'll kill him with their con men skills
After poisoning him with their wily shills
And the Phantom's shouting to skinny girls
"Get Outa Here If You Don't Know
Paulson's is just being punished for going
To Desolation Row"

Now at midnight the GOP led by McCain
And their subhuman neocon crew
Come out and round up everyone
That knows more than they do
Then they bring them to the factory
Where the heart-attack machine
Is strapped across their shoulders
And then the market kerosene
Is brought down from their grand old castles
By insurance men who go
Check to see that nobody is escaping
To Desolation Row

Praise be Roubini's Neptune
The Titanic sails at dawn
And everybody's shouting
"Which Side Are You On?"
And Elephant and Donkey Men
Fighting in the captain's tower
While calypso singers laugh at them
And fishermen hold flowers
Between the windows of the crashing market sea
Where lovely mermaids flow
And nobody has to think too much
About Desolation Row

Yes, I received the bullish newsletter
(About the time the door knob broke)
When you asked how my net was doing
Was that some kind of joke?
All these people that you mention
Yes, I know them, they're quite lame
I had to rearrange their faces
And give them all another name
Right now I can't read too good
Don't send me no more newsletters no
Not unless you mail them
From Desolation Row

Sunday, September 28, 2008


The following risk factors apply to the Untied States Troubled Asset Recovery Plan (TARP):

Investment Risk: There can be little or no assurance that TARP will achieve its investment
objectives. In fact it is a long shot on global confidence. The value of TARP and the income therefrom will
rise or fall, in lock step with the capital value of the toxic subprime securities in which TARP invests. Due
to the exponential overhang of related derivative instruments such as CDSs, the value
of these assets can be expected to continue to spiral downward into the the vortex.

Currency Risk: The NAV per TARP Share will be denominated in USD and the TARP
investments will be acquired directly or indirectly in the same currency. One of the
collateral effects of the TARP financing plan is the anticipated downward spiral of the USD.
TARP may, in exceptional circumstances, minimize the exposure to currency fluctuation
risks by the use of hedging and other sophisticated techniques and instruments. Nevertheless,
it is expected that additional funds will have to be printed.

Regulatory Risks and Accounting Standards Disclosure are less
stringent in the US asset backed securities markets than they are in certain undeveloped non-OECD countries.
Consequently, there is less publicly available information on the issuers of the subprime assets than is
published by or about other legitimate businesses.

Political Risks: The performance of TRAP will certainly be affected by changes in economic and
market conditions, a potential mega catastrophe such as an unexpected McCain win, an ensuing Palin Presidency,
continuous flip flopping in congressional policies, the whimsical imposition of restrictions on short selling and
other legitimate trading strategies and continued weak regulatory oversight by the SEC under Chairman Cox.

Credit and Settlement Risk: TARP will be exposed to credit default risk on parties with whom
it trades and will also bear the risk of settlement default. We have absolutely no clue
how much this could be. Counterparties such as AIG, Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley, who were previously
thought to be the gold standard, have become a virtual pinata of toxic financial risk and peril.

Risks of Debt Securities: The prices of debt securities purchased by TARP will fluctuate in response to perceptions
of the respective issuers’ creditworthiness and also tend to vary inversely with market interest rates.
Due to the sleazy nature of the issuer's of subprime securities, you should already know what to expect.

Performance Fees: Where incentive fees are payable by TARP these will be based
on net realised and net unrealised gains and losses at the end of each calculation period.
As a result, obscene incentive fees may be paid on unrealised gains which will in all probability
subsequently never be realised.

Risks associated with Financial Derivative Instruments: While the prudent use of
financial derivative instruments (“FDI”) is said to be beneficial, FDIs actually involve risks
different from, and in most cases greater than, the risks to be hedged. Moreover, FDI do
not perfectly or even highly correlate or track the
value of the securities, rates or indices they are designed to track. Consequently,
TARP's use of derivative techniques, as is usually the case, can never be an effective means of, and
in fact is more likely to be counter-productive to, TARP's investment objective.

Counterparties: The counterparties in TARP's anticipated investment activities
are a wily and scheming lot. Although every effort will be made to take appropriate
countermeasures, no assurance can be given that snake oil selling financial hucksters
will not find new creative methods and techniques for pillaging the TARP assets. In
fact you can bet your sweet @$$ they will.

A more detailed description of the risk factors that apply to the Fund is set out in the TARP

As we prepare to parse through the
fine details of the new and improved
TARP, we can expect some
surprises. But there is one non-surprise
that won't be very surprising at all.
The mother of all Federal interventions
in the global financial markets will
hardly make mention, if any at all, of the
once feared United States Securities and Exchange

You will recall that during the last
mega Wall Street bust, the Dot.Com Bubble,
the SEC was humbled by the
aggressive enforcement tactics of
Elliot Spitzer. This time around, under
the feeble leadership of Chairman Cox,
the SEC seems misguidedly obsessed
with smoking out the evil doing
short sellers. You know, the same guys
who made the call on the opacity of the
Lehman and AIG financial statements. The ones
who guessed that something was cooking
between Goldman and AIG.
My theory is that the SEC,
shamed by the shorts, wants payback.

Last week, the FBI
announced that it is investigating who else--
AIG and Lehman, among many others.
At the end of the week the SEC made its own announcement,
it is terminating its voluntary
supervision program for Wall
Street investment Banks. Chairman
Cox admitted that the program
was flawed from the start. Duhhhh?

There are no more investment
banks to voluntarily submit to
the SEC's supervision. So the
whole silly operation is academic.
But, the silly idea of a voluntary program with an
opt out, that's right an opt out, reminds
me of Mark Twain's definition of
a banker: "A banker is a fellow
who lends you his umbrella when the
sun is shining, but wants it
back the minute it begins to

Chairmen Cox's primary mission when he
was appointed by W, was to neuter
the the agency. Sage McCain, the
then Chairman of the Senate Commerce
Committee, in his infinite regulatory ferver,
decided not to hold hearings on the
appointment. And the result: Mission

While the SEC continues
its witch hunt for the wicked short selling
evil doers, the real culprits, the
Wall Street CEOs who lead the charge
into leveraged subprime bliss and
later lied publicly about their exposure
to the toxic byproducts,
are hiding out somewhere in
the Northeast frontier of Tarpistan.
And the once revered SEC, in all likelihood,
will not be the ones smoking them out.

R.I.P. (Regulatory Ineptitude Prevails) S.E.C.

P.S.: The new and improved TARP Bill has been released
and the SEC seems to be mentioned twice.
They get to sit on an the board charged to
oversee (not execute) the Bailout and
(this is ludicrous) they have the authority to
suspend marked to market accounting.
The Great Subprime Debacle: The Sting (Part II)

Doyle Lonnegan: Your boss is quite a card player, Mr. Kelly; how does he do it?
Johnny Hooker: He cheats.
(From the Sting)

It is ironic, that on the weekend that arguably
the greatest confidence game of all time is
reaching crescendo in Washington in the form of the
mother of all
Wall Street bailouts, Paul Newman, the star of The Sting,
the greatest Confidence movie of all time, has passed on.
In the Sting, Newman plays Henry "Shaw" Gondorf, a master con man who
orchestrates the greatest con until September 2008.

The Sting is chuck full of gangsters, incompetent cops, grifters,
colorful schemers, con men, marks
and shills, and keeps you on the edge of your seat straight though to its conclusion.
Just like the Great Subprime Swindle of 2008, there are
twists and turns galore, and you don't know how it
is going to until the final 10 minutes.

Welcome to the Great Subprime Swindle of 2008.
We are barely into what could not be a more fitting sequel to
the Sting.
In this new episode, the Wall Street gang succeeds
in conning Main Street USA out of its real
estate/retirement nest egg by
employing thousands of mortgage brokers, investment banking con men and
dubious ponziesque securities called collateralized Debt
Obligations and Credit Default Swaps. Like the Sting, the cast
is chuck full of colorful characters like Alan (the "Maestro") Greenspan, Dick (the "Gorilla") Fuld,
Maurice "Hank" Greenberg, James "Jimmy" Cayne
Henry "Hank" Paulsen and
Ben Bernanke (who will soon be known as "Father Moral Hazard"). What is it
with gangsters, con men, bankers and
nicknames? In the plot we get to watch innocent
bystanders a dopey mark like
AIG and now the American taxpayer, get conned and swindled out
roughly $700 Billion USD, no one knows for sure. As
in the sting, the key stone cops, show up
long after the action has taken place.

One hundred years ago a man named Franklin Keyes, Esq.
(you guessed it, a Wall Street lawyer) published a tract
titled: "Wall Street Speculation, Its Tricks and Its Tragedies".
In it he says: "Wall Street is dominated by some of the brainiest
and shrewdest men in the country, natural born sharpers and schemers,
and before the average man can get the better of them,
except through the merest chance,
he will have to eat brain food for a long time."

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Paul Newman, rest in peace.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

(Michael Jackson's Thriller)

It's Midnight this late September night and the night is full of Politicians, Lurking in the Dark.
Under The Moonlight, You See A Sight That Almost Stops Your Heart.
You Try To Scream, But Terror Takes The Sound Before You Make It.
Debt Markets Start To Freeze, As Horror Looks You Right Between The Eyes,
Your Paralyzed

You Hear The Door Slam, And Realize There's Nowhere Left To Run.
You Feel The Cold Take Hold, And Wonder If You'll See a Bear Run
You Close Your Eyes, And Hope That This Is Just Imagination,
But All The While, You Hear The GOP Pachydermata Creepin' Up Behind
You're Out Of Time

They're Out to Get You, There's Demons Closing In On Every Side.
They Will Possess You, Unless You Change The Number On Your Skype.
Now Is the Time for You and Your Trading Quants to huddle Close Together
All Thru The Night, It'll Save You From The Terror On The Reuter Screen,
It'll Make You See:

(narrated by Vincent Price)
Darkness Falls Across The Land, The Asian Trading Day Is Close At Hand.
Bottom Feeders Crawl In Search Of Blood To Foreclose on Your Neighborhood
And Whosoever Shall Be Found Without The Soul For Economic Bust
Must Stand And Face The Hounds Of Subprime Hell, And Rot Inside WaMu's Bankrupt Shell.

The Foulest Stench Is In The Air The Funk Of 700 Billion Bailout Bucks
And Shortselling Ghouls From Every Trading Room Are Closing In To Seal Your Doom
And Though You Fight To Stay Alive Your Net Worth Starts To Shiver
For No Investing Mortal Can Resist The Evil Of The TARP Bailout Thriller

'Cause this Is Thriller, TARP Bailout make or break Night
and No-ones Gonna Save You from the Beast about to Strike.
You Know its Thriller, TARP Bailout Thriller Night
You're fighting for Your Monetary Life inside a Killer, Thriller.

Thriller, TARP Bailout Night
'Cause I can thrill you More Than Any Market Ghoul Could ever try. (Thriller, Bailout Night)
So Let Me Hold You Tight And Share A Killer, Chiller, Fiscal Massacre
Thriller Here Tonight.

'Cause this Is Thrille,TARP Bailout Thriller night
It Will Thrill You More Than Any Ghoul Could ever dare try
Any Ghoul could ever Dare Try

(Daddy, can I be TARP for Halloween? No deary...its too scary! Be something funny
like the McCain campaign )


Putting aside all the political posturing over the TARP summit
(the Torpedoed Asset Recovery Plan), among the
astonishing events of the past week was the
rare opportunity to glimpse both of our Presidential candidates
shaking and baking in a genuine national crisis. As a result of
Sage McCain's grand gesture of pushing the campaign
pause button for a powder break, both he and Mr. Obama were hauled into
the TARP snake pit. Barack Obama never made any
pretense of being able to Rambo the situation. So I will cut him the slack he deserves. After all
he is very busy running for President.

On the other hand, Mr. "All Hands on Deck" insinuated that it was
imperative for him to indefinitely suspend the Presidential
campaign so he could save TARP, the financial markets and his deteriorating standing in
the Polls. Well, if you do a little web searching, you
will learn what observers from both political parties reported
regarding Mr. McCain's rousing performance. Apparently he
kept his hatch tight for most of the meeting. Finally, when asked
for his view, he babbled some incomprehensible
platitudes. What more could we expect from a guy whose
claim to fame is seeing the big picture,
managing a contentious political meeting and getting the job done for the
good of country . Something that
by all accounts was already being handled by certain
Democrat and GOP leaders.

I'll tell you what I expect. If you are a candidate for
President and you publicly insert yourself into an
emergency situation (yes, when the largest bank failure
in US history is simultaneously unfolding it is sort of an emergency), you better have something interesting or
important to say. That is what a President is supposed to do. No?

Well, Mr. "All Hands What the Heck" blew it out the blow hatch.
He apparently had no grand wisdom to impart to the room full of experts, President's, partisans and bipartisans.
You know something is up when even Bush is rolling his
eyeballs. Its says a lot about Mr. McCain as well as the quality of the
advice he is getting. I learned a long time ago,
never ever go to a meeting unless you know what you
are going to say when called upon. And more importantly,
make sure its relevant. Otherwise, don't bother showing.

I also believe in respect for your elders. But it would be
foolish to count that maxim as a good reason for
electing someone like this for President. Its
a mistake similar to a similar mistake this country has already made twice in
8 years, to wit "vote for the guy you'd like to drink beer with."

I hear the spread on McCain election default swaps has
shot through the roof.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Lets see,

no more buldge bracket investment banks,
nationalization of AIG and the GSEs,
WaMu, the biggest bank failure in history,
money markets in near panic,
record foreclosures,
interbank credit freeze,
subprime godzilla,
global CDS minefield,
rising unemployment,
TARP (Torpedoed Assetbacked Recovery Plan) chaos,
Sage McCain, says:"This isn't the beginning of the end of this crisis, this is the end of the beginning."

Is it time to panic?

No! Its time to sing

(the Beatles)
(adapted by WilliamBanzai7)

Ben Bernanke plays backstop for the market place
Henry is cleaning up subprime quicksand
Bernanke says to Henry - we've got to save this place
And as he says this the two of them shake hands.

[ Chorus: ]
Obladi oblada markets go on bro
Lala how that market life goes on
Obladi Oblada markets go on bro
Lala how that market life goes on.

Bernanke takes a trolley from the Fed money store
Buys a 700 billion dollar bailout ring
Takes it back to Henry waiting at the door
And as he gives it to him the markets start to sing.

[ Chorus ]

In a couple of years they have refinanced
all our home sweet homes
With a couple of big banks running in the yard
And Hank and Ben sitting on the market throne.

Happy ever after in the market place
Bernanke lets the bankers lend a hand
Henry stays at home and keeps his poker face
And in the evening they both like
to sing out with the band.

[ Chorus ]

In a couple of years they have refinanced
all our home sweet homes
With a couple of big banks running in the yard
With Ben and Hank sitting on the market throne.

Happy ever after in the market place
Benrnanke lets the bankers lend a hand
Henry stays at home and keeps his poker face
And in the evening they both sing out with the band.

[ Chorus: ]
Obladi oblada markets go on bro
Lala how that market life goes on
Obladi Oblada markets go on bro
Lala how that market life goes on.
Nowhere Man
(John Lennon)
Revised by WilliamBanzai7

He's a real nowhere Man,
His name is Alan Greenspan,
Making economic plans for nobody.
Had a shallow point of view,
Now look where the world is going to,
Isn't it a bit sad for you and me?

Nowhere Man, please listen,
You don't know what you're missing,
Nowhere Man, the world is no longer at your command.

He's as blind as a bat can be,
Just sees just what he wants to see,
Nowhere Man can you see us at all?
Has a simplistic market view,
Knows not where we're going to,
Isn't it a bit sad for you and me?

Nowhere Man, don't worry,
Take your time, don't hurry,
Leave it all till somebody else can lend us a hand.

He's a real Nowhere Man,
His name is Alan Greenspan,
Making economic plans for nobody.
Ground Control to John McCain
(David Bowie, Ground Control to Major Tom)
Adapted by WilliamBanzai7

Ground control to Captain John, Ground control to Captain John:
Take your liver pills and put your bailout helmet on
Ground control to Captain John: Commencing countdown engine's on
Check ig-nition and may the GOP right be with you

This is Commander Bush to Captain John, a huge mess you've really made!
And the papers want to know which party's shorts you wear,
Now it's time to leave and go debate if you dare

This is John McCain to ground control, I'm sitting on the floor
And I'm thinking in the most peculiar way
And the campaign stars look very different today

For here am I sitting in a hotel room, far above the world
The TARP bailout is through and there's nothing I can do


Though I'm passed one hundred thousand campaign miles, I'm feeling very still
And I think my handlers don't know which way to go,

Ground control to Captain John:
Your campaigns dead, there's something wrong.
Can you hear me Captain John?
Can you hear me Captain John?
Can you hear me Captain John? Can you ...

Here am I sitting in my hotel room, far above the world
The TARP bailout is through and there's nothing I can do....

If you examine this image carefully, you will notice that John is sitting down at the end of the table where the paralegals and summer interns who are there to answer the phone, make copies, send faxes and order Pizza usually sit.
Ballad of John McCain
(to the Melody of the Ballad of the Green Berets)


Wall Street bailout do or die
Fearing not as his campaign slides
He who means not what he say'in
He's their man, Big John McCain

He's got wings less finance brains
He's their man, the grand old best
They will vote, for TARP today
But only if he first says yes

Trained to babble when he speaks
Trained to dabble economics
He will babble day and night
From John McCain its double speak


Back at home waits the GOP
Did John get his foto opp-ortunity
Has he sold the public's best
Leaving Wall Street its request

Hes got wings upon his chest
Hes their man the GOP's best
He's a man we'll detest one day
If he wins election day

(I liked McCain once upon a time)

Thursday, September 25, 2008

John McCain--The Republican Contagion

I thought I had seen everything. The latest Act by McCain and his Republican homeboys is obscene. They, the Republican party, are obviously not negotiating in good faith. I predict they are going to be punished come November.

Hank Paulson has one of the sharpest financial minds in America. What is it that has got him in a panic, demeaning himself by kneeling before Ms. Pelosi? The massive remapping of Wall Street? record breaking bank failures?, the near bankruptcy and bailout of AIG, the nationalization of the GSEs, trillions and trillions of dollars of liability lurking in the opaque global CDS market?, a bottomless mortgage backed write down pit?, obscenely leveraged hedge funds on the brink suffering the same fate as AIG?, trillions of boomer retirement assets at risk?, the USD on the verge of diving?, creditors like China wondering if they will have to pull the plug? The list goes on and on and 700 billion does not sound like near enough to cover the tab.

Messrs Paulson and Bernanke can't tell you what is going to happen next. It is the proverbial Black Swan getting ready to swoop in. Words like new depression and financial apocalypse are actually apropos. It is the so called financial contagion, financial Katrina, the Minsky moment. That is what is frightening the bailout boys.

Whether or not you agree that a bailout is the right way to go...what is not right is to politicize this sorry national affair. This is precisely what McCain and the Republican party have done. Grandstanding at the expense of Americans.

Its their boy in the White House, its their financial pig sty and it is their bailout.
Plain and simple.

I don't care what they say. This behavior is blatant and disgusting.

And...I don't care if Mr. McCain abstains from attending all of the debates.

(to the melody of Puff the Magic Dragon, Peter, Paul & Mary)
Adapted by WilliamBanzai7

POOF!, the bailout dragon lived by the subprime sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist near a land of Wall Street greed,
Little Hanky Paulson loved that rascal POOF!,
And brought him mortgage backed securities and other fancy finance stuff. oh

POOF!, the bailout dragon lived by the subprime sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land of Wall Street greed,
POOF!, the bailout dragon, savior of all deadbeats,
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land of Wall Street greed.

Together they would travel on a workout boat with billowed sail
Hanky kept a lookout perched on POOF!s gigantic tail,
Finance kings and princes would bow wheneer they came,
Pirate ships would lower their flag when POOF! roared out his name. oh!

POOF!, the bailout dragon lived by the subprime sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land of Wall Street greed,
POOF!, the bailout dragon, savior of all deadbeats
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land of Wall Street greed.

Wall Street lives forever but not so little boys
Without leverage and quantitative finance you can't make make fancy toys.
One grey night it happened, Hanky Paulson came no more
And POOF! that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

His head was bent in sorrow, greenbacks ceased to rain,
POOF! no longer wanted to play financial legerdemain.
Without his life-long friend, POOF! could not be brave,
So POOF! that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his bailout cave. oh!

POOF!, the bailout dragon lived by subprime sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land of Wall Street greed,
POOF!, the bailout dragon, savior of all deadbeats
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land of Wall Street greed.


(to I am the Walrus, the Beatles)
Adapted by WilliamBanzai7

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.
See how they run like hedge fund bums from a gun, see how they fly.
I'm crying.

Sitting on a write down, waiting for the FDIC to come.
Corporation tee-shirt, stupid bloody Thursday.
Man, you been a naughty bank, you let your loans go wrong.
I am the eggman (woo), they are the eggmen (woo), I am the WaMu,
Coo coo, kachoo.

Mister FDIC man sitting
Pretty little FRB men in a row.
See how they fly like Bailouts in the Sky, see how they run.
I'm crying.
I'm cry, I'm crying, I'm cry, I'm crying.

Mortgage Backed mustard, dripping from a dead dog's eye.
Crabalocker John Mack, pornographic Greenspan,
Boy, you been a naughty girl and you let your risk control knickers down.
I am the eggman (woo), they are the eggmen (woo), I am the WaMu,
Coo coo, kachoo.

Sitting in an Seattle garden waiting for Hank's bailout to come.
If the sun don't come, you get a tan from
Standing in the Seattle rain.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the WaMu,
Coo coo kachoo ka coo coo kachoo.

Expert texpert CDS choking traders,
Don't you think the joker laughs at you? (ho ho ho, he he he, ha ha ha)
See how they smile like ABS bankers in a sty, see how they snide.
I'm crying.

Semolina mortgage Pilchard, climbing up the corporate Tower.
Ignoramus penguins singing Hare Krishna finance.
Man, you should have seen them kicking Paulson and Bernanke down.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the WaMu,
Coo coo kachoo ka coo coo kachoo
(rhythmical speaking along with juba's).
Juba juba juba, juba, juba, juba, juba, juba, juba juba. Juba juba.....
JOHN McCAIN Meet Wall Street

"Pilot: This is chrome-plated stove-pipe triple-nickle eight ball, angels eight, five in the slot, boots on and laced, I wanna bounce and blow.

Tower: Roger, you've got the nod to hit the sod."

The following Vietnam War Fighter Pilot JARGON key is provided in order to expedite discussions and reduce confusions with John McCain concerning TARP (aka Wall Street Clusterf---)

Agent Orange: A toxic equity tranche
Body Count: Number of bankers fired
E&E: Escape and evasion tactics: Often applied by Wall Street CEOs
Hootch: What investors smoke before they visit Bear Stearns and Lehman
Gook: What you will find in Lehman and AIG's financial footnotes
Level 3 Asset: Covert assets
DC: Dick Cheney then, Dick Cheney now
C Rations: Stale sandwiches from Kaplans deli.
AWOL: Chairman Cox during the runup of the great meltdown.
CYA: Cover your ass (Political strategy)
Delta neutral: A Wall Street hedging strategy not to be confused with Mekong Delta.
Oversight: What Congress must do: Excuse us for the oversight.
AAA: Anti Aircraft Artillery/ also Rating Agency Jargon
AVRN: Already Very Rough Numbers
FNG: F--king new guy!
Go juice: Prune juice
HUD: Heads up display (Housing and Urban Development, where the subprime mess started)
Ho Chi Minh Trail: AMTRACK
Golden Parachute: Every pilot and CEO must have one
Tailhook: The contingent liability payable under a CDS
SAM: S---ty asset markdowns
Bandits: Wall Street Bankers
Jesus Bolt: The nut that holds everything together (Hank Paulson)
Gigahertz and Nanoseconds ~ Highly technical, detailed, and hard to understand ("It's getting down to gigahertz and nanoseconds.")

Lost the Bubble ~ Got confused or forgot what was happening. Alan Greenspan lost the bubble.

Loud Handle ~ Lever or grip that fires ejection seat. Often used by Wall Street CEOs.

LTCM: An early Wall Street ICBM

Peter Pilot ("PP"): Affectionate name for inexperienced pilot newbie or Vice Presidential running mate.

R&R: What Congress takes every 3 business days and what George Bush does for a living.
Selling short: What the US government does to its Armed Forces
Smoking Hole ~ A bottomless write off.
TOP Gun: A derivative salesman
Tunneling: What hedge fund managers do to financial reports
Up on the Governor ~ When someone is about to have a tantrum (term comes from the device that keeps the engine from overspeeding).
Up to Speed, or Up to Snuff ~ To understand or to know what's going on.
Swiftboating: There you go again ;-)
Unknown Unknowns: The OTC derivatives market
VC: Venture capitalist
FWMD: Financial Weapons of Mass Destruction

"Well, boys, we got three engines out, we got more holes in us than a bond trader's mule, the Reuters is gone and we're leaking fuel and if we was flying any lower why we'd need sleigh bells on this thing... but we got one little budge on them Congressmen. At this height why they might harpoon us but they dang sure ain't gonna spot us on no CSPAN screen!"

From Dr. Strangeloan

I hope this is helpful.

Brought to you by: WilliamBanzai7

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Henry the Bailout King of 2008 I am
(to the melody of Henry the Eighth I am, Hermans Hermits)

I'm Henry of 2008 I am
The Henry the Bailout King of 2008 I am, I am
I got stakes in all the banks next door
They've been bailed seven times before
And all the bankers love Henry (Henry!)
Without him they won't get a penny from Uncle Sam (no Sam!)
I'm the Bailout King, I'm Henry
Henry the Bailout King of 2008 I am

Second verse same as the first!
Bush Bailout Rising
(to the melody of Bad Moon Rising
Creedance Clearwater Revival)
Adapted by WilliamBanzai7)

I see a a Bush Bailout arising.
I see trouble on the way.
I see fiscal earthquakes and lightnin.
I see bad economic times today.

Dont listen to Hank n Ben tonight,
Well, its bound to take your net worth's life,
There's a bailout on the rise.

I hear deficit hurricanes a blowing.
I know the end is coming soon.
I fear rivers of debt over flowing.
I hear the taxpayer voice of rage and ruin.

Dont listen to Hank n Ben tonight,
Well, its bound to take your net worths life,
There's a bailout on the rise.

Hope you got your assets n things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.
Looks like were in for nasty market weather.
One eye is taken for an eye.
(Arlo Guthrie--Alice's Restaurant)
Adapted by William Banzai7

This song is called Hank's Restaurant, and it's about Hank Paulson, and the
restaurant, but Hank's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant,
that's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Hank's

You can get anything you want at Hank's Bailout Restaurant
You can get anything you want at Hank's Bailout Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the Federal Reserve Bank
You can get anything you want at Hank's bailout Restaurant

Now it all started Thanksgiving Day 2008- when my friend Warren and I went up to
visit Hank at the restaurant, but Hank doesn't sit in the there, he sits near a fella named Blank in Goldman Sachs
Wall Street office, in a big glass corporate tower. And being in a tower like that, they got a lot of
room downstairs. Havin' all that room, they decided that they didn't
have to take out their subprime garbage for a long time.

We got up there, we found all the toxic subprime garbage in there, and we decided it'd be
a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the non-performing asset dump. So
Warren and I took the 700 billion tons of subprime garbage, put it in the back of a red Humvee
stretch limo, including CDSs and CDOs and other implements of mass financial destruction and headed
on toward the non-performng asset dump.

Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the
dump saying, "No Dumping on Thanksgiving." And we had never heard of a dump
closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off
into the sunset looking for another place to put the financial garbage.

We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the
side road there was another fifteen foot hole and at the bottom of the
hole there was a pile of Dot.com garbage, prospectuses, analyst reports etc. And we decided that one big pile
is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we
decided to throw our's down.

That's what we did, and drove back to the restaurant, had a thanksgiving
dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the
next morning, when we got a phone call from FBI Director Mueller. He said, "Kid,
we found your name on an offering circular at the bottom of a half a ton of
subprime garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it." And
I said, "Yes, sir, Mr. Director, I cannot tell a lie, I put that OC
under that garbage."

After speaking to Director Mueller for about fourty-five minutes on the telephone we
finally arrived at the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down
and pick up the subprime garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the
NY Bureau office. So we got in the red Humvee Limo with the
CDOs and CDSs and implements of financial destruction and headed on toward the FBI's NY Bureau office.

Now friends, there was only one or two things that the Director coulda done at
the FBI's office, and the first was he could have given us a medal for
being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and
we didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out
and told us never to be see driving toxic asset backed garbage around the vicinity of Wall Street again,
which is what we expected, but when we got to the FBI's office
there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was
both immediately arrested. Handcuffed. And I said Mr. Mueller sir, I don't think I
can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on." He said, "Shut up, kid.
Get in the back of the car."

And that's what we did, sat in the back of the car and drove to the
quote Scene of the Crime unquote. I want tell you about Wall Street, where this happened here, they got three Federal regulators, the SEC, the CFTC and the FBI, but when we got to the
Scene of the Crime there was all kinds of state and federal regulators running around, this
being the biggest financial crime of the last five years, and everybody wanted to
get in the newspaper story about it. And the FBI, they was using up all kinds of
equipment that they had hanging around the antiterrorist bureau.
They was taking plaster tire tracks, finger prints, dog smelling prints, and
they took twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles
and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each
one was to be used as evidence against us. Took pictures of the approach,
the getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to
mention the aerial photography.

After the ordeal, we went back to the jail. Director Mueller said he was going to put
us in the cell. Said, "Kid, I'm going to put you in the cell, I want your
wallet and your belt." And I said, "I can understand you wanting my
wallet so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you
want my belt for?" And he said, "Kid, we don't want any hangings." I
said, "did you think I was going to hang myself for subprime fraud?"
Mueller said he was making sure, and friends Director Mueller was, cause he took out the
toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown, and he took
out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars roll out the - roll the
toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape. The FBI Director
was making sure, and it was about four or five hours later that Hank
(remember Hank? It's a song about Hank), came by and with a few
nasty words to Mueller on the side, Bailed us out using Federal taxpayer money, and we went back
to the restaurant, had a another thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat.

You can get anything you want, at Hank's Bailout Restaurant
You can get anything you want, at Hank's Bailout Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the Federal Reserve Bank
You can get anything you want, at Hank's Bailout Restaurant
(Adapted from William Shakespeare's Hamlet)

To Bail, or not to Bail, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous loss of fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of financial troubles
And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the billion market shocks
That investor hubris is heir to: 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this market coil,
Must give us pause—there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The CEO banker's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of write offs, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th'unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare quill? Who would Federal oversight bear,
To grunt and sweat under an ordinary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the familiar hue of resolution trust
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action.
Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth both for ourselves as human beings and for the conservative ideals of our nation. Now, truth is not always a pleasant thing. But it is necessary now to make a choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless *distinguishable*, post subprime environments: one where you got millions of campaign contributing investment bankers without jobs, and the other where you got a 700 billion taxpayer bailout.

Adapted from Dr Strangelove
Spotted on RGE Monitor:

Your Urgent Help Needed

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude. I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully
Minister of Treasury Paulson

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain
US humorist, novelist, short story author, & wit (1835 - 1910)
"Some men rob you with a six gun, some rob you with a fountain pen" - Woody Guthrie


(Charge of the Light Brigade, Alfred Lord Tennyson)

(Modified by WilliamBanzai7)

Half a trillion, half a trillion,
Give or take 200 billion, onward!
All in the valley of Balance Sheet Death
Rode the seven hundred billion tax dollars.
"Forward, the TARP Brigade!
"Charge for the ABS Credit Default Swaps!" he said:
Into the valley of Balance Sheet Death
Rode the seven hundred billion tax dollars.

"Forward, the TARP Brigade!"
Was there a politician dismay'd?
Not tho' the Congress knew
Some guy named Hank had blunder'd:
Their's not to make reply,
Their's not to reason why,
Their's but to do and die:
Into the valley of Balance Sheet Death
Rode the seven hundred billion tax dollars.

CDOs to right of them,
CDSs to left of them,
AIG and the GSEs in front of them
Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with Wall Street shot and shell,
Boldly that load of Federal largesse rode and well,
Into the jaws of Balance Sheet Death,
Into the mouth of subprime contagion Hell
Rode the seven hundred billion.

Flash'd all the workout sabres bare,
Flash'd as they turn'd in air,
Sabring the asset backed losses there,
Charging an army of tawdry bankers, accountants, and shysters, while
All the world wonder'd:
Plunged in the seedy subprime-smoke
Right into the red numbers they broke;
Lehman and Bear Stearns
Spared from the sabre stroke
Shatter'd and sunder'd.
Then they rode back, but not
Not the seven hundred billion.

Subprime CDOs to right of them,
Subprime CDSs to left of them,
Fat Wall Street advisory fees behind them,
Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with derivative losses, asset backed shot and shell,
While level 3 zeros fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro' the jaws of Balance Sheet Death
Back from the mouth of subprime contagion Hell,
All that was left of it?
Nothing left of seven hundred billion!

When can its glory fade?
O the wild loss charges!
All the world wondered.
Honor the huge expenditures they made,
Honor the TARP Brigade,
Noble seven hundred billion taxpayer dollars.

(TARP--Troubled Asset Relief Plan of 2008)

Ballad of Hank
(Tune of Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to a story about a komrad named Hank
A swanky Goldman banker, who ably kept his partners fed,
Then one day he was laughin at some AIG fools,
And up through the ground came a toxic derivative stew.

CDSs that is, fools gold, Wall Street krud.

Well the first thing you know ol Hank buys $70 billion of CDOs n shares,
Kinfolk said "Hank move away from here"
Said Zheleznodorozhny is the place you ought to be"
So he loaded up the junk and moved it overseas (to Moscow that is).

Szwimming pools, Oligarchs , and everything.

Well now its time to say good by to Hank and all his kin.
And they would like to thank you kapitalist folks fer kindly droppin in.
You're all invited back a gain to this socialist locality
To have a heapin helpin of state hospitality
Set a spell, Take your white shoes off.

Do swidania, y'hear?.

(to the Melody of Money for Nothing by Dire Straits)

I want my, I want my RTC
I want my, I want my RTC

Now look at them yo-yos thats the way you do it
Shovelin CDOs on CNBC
That aint workin thats the way you do it
Money for nothin-- asset backed securities
Now that aint workin thats the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys aint dumb
Maybe get a blister on your little finger
A blister from your Blackberry

We gotta securitize more subprime products
Custom derivatives--OTC
We gotta move these toxic tranches
We gotta screw Moody's, S&P

See the little maggot in the pinstripes and suspenders
Yeah buddy that ain't his own hair
That little maggot got his own jet airplane
That little maggot hes a Billionaire

We gotta securitize more subprime products
Custom derivative origination fees
We gotta move these toxic tranches
We gotta screw those GSEs

I shoulda learned about structured products
I shoulda learned to be a quant
Look at that mama, she got it stickin in the squawk box
Man we could have some fun
And hes up there, whats that? hawaiian noises?
Hes bangin on the bongoes like Ben Bernanke
That aint workin thats the way you do it
Get your money for nothin-- asset backed securities

We gotta securitize more subprime products
Custom derivatives---S.P.I.V.s
We gotta move these toxic tranches
We gotta screw the monos and AIG,

Listen here, that aint workin thats the way you do it
Shoveling CDOs on CNBC
That aint workin thats the way you do it
Money for nothin--asset backed securities
Money for nothin--asset backed securities

I want my, I want my RTC
I want my, I want my RTC

(All rights reserved WilliamBanzai7 2008)
(To the melody of “Stuck in the Middle” by Stealer’s Wheel)

Well I don't know how I got here tonight,
I got the feeling that something just ain't right,
I'm so scared to pay a much higher rate,
And I'm wondering why I took a loan in such haste,
Brokers to the left of me,
Bankers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in a mortgage with you.

Yes I'm stuck in a mortgage with you,
And I'm wondering what you think I should do,
It's so hard to read the loan boilerplate,
Losing control, all you wanna do is reset my rate,
Bankers to the left of me, brokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in a mortgage with you.

Well you started out with nothing,
And you thought you could have lived debt free,
But my friends, they all refinanced,
Brokers slapped me on the back and said,

Trying to make some sense of it all,
But I can see that it makes no sense at all,
Is it cool to go to sleep in the street,
'Cause I don't think they’ll let me just live in peace
Bankers to the left of me, brokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in a mortgage with you.

Well you started out with somethin,
Now all you got is negative equity,
But my friends, they all refinanced,
Bankers slapped me on the back and said,
Please.... Please.....

Well I don't know how I got here tonight,
I got the feeling something just ain't right,
I'm so scared they’re gonna foreclose my place,
And I wonder why can’t they just freeze my rate,
Bankers to the left of me,
Brokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in a mortgage with you,
Yes I'm stuck in a mortgage with you,
Here I am, stuck in a mortgage with you.

Monday, September 22, 2008

From The Soundtrack : Ghostbusters (1984)

SHORT Busters…

If there's somethin' strange on your balance sheet
Who ya gonna call (shorttbusters)
If it's somethin' weird an it don't look good
Who ya gonna call (shortbusters)

(Lehman) I ain't afraid a no shorts
(AIG) I ain't afraid a no shorts
If you're seein' CDO's ruinin' your networth
Who can you call (shortbusters)
An' invisible trade dragging down your spreads
Oh who ya gonna call (shortbusters)
(Merrill) I ain't afraid a no shorts
(Bear) I ain't afraid a no shorts
Who ya gonna call (shortbusters)
Morgan Stanley: If you're all alone pick up the phone
An call (shortbusters)

(Paulsen) I ain't afraid a no short
I hear it likes Goldman
(Goldman) I ain't afraid a no shorts
Who you gonna call (short busters)
Mm…if you've had a dose
Of a naked short baby
You better call short busters
(SEC Cox) Bustin' makes me feel good
(Bernanke) I ain't afraid a no shorts
The Great Subprime “Babel”—A Modern Tale of Biblical Greed

By WilliamBanzai7

Wall Street never changes. The pockets change, the suckers change, the stocks change, but Wall Street never changes because human nature never changes. - Jesse Livermore

The public’s annual loss to Wall Street has usually been estimated in former years at $100,000,000 per annum, but owing to the more recent enterprising methods of the “Street” in manipulating the game, this estimate is now far to small as we shall see.-Franklin Keyes (1904)

Conceit of the Street

Shortly after the explosion of the great “dot.com” bubble something happened that was to change the monetary affairs of all men on Earth.
The investment banking tribes had once again begun to proliferate and fill the Street. They spoke a new tongue--the tongue of rampant financial innovation. It was a strange tongue with words like synthetic CDOs, conduiting, CLOs, SIVs, bespoke swaps, CDOs squared, negative default correlations, binomial expansions and stochastic modeling. A tongue curiously reminiscent of the tongue of the House of ENRON.

The generations of bankers before the “dot.com” bubble, were believers in the fundamental laws of securities valuation and diversification. They were believers in the book of Graham and Dodd.

But the new generation of investment bankers was different. They stressed an opposite code of investing. The smart investor did not count. Their game was a vast pyramid of derivatives and mortgage backed securities. Had they confined themselves to this kind of financial life in a modest fashion, all might have been well. But the obscene fee income made possible by cheap leverage, financial engineering and securitization techniques made them ever greedier and in their hubris they thought they could beat the financial laws of thermodynamics.

They decided to build a great Tower of mortgage backed securities. With the Tower they would pillage the housing markets and at the same time seemingly eliminate all risk for themselves. Heads we win, tails you lose; that was their credo. The symbol of their invincible wealth, as they thought, was to be built in the shadow of the House of Greenspan. It would be squeezed out of Joe Public who was long disdained and exploited by the Lords of the Street. This time they would build tempt Joe with reckless mortgage loans supported by an “irrationally exuberant” real estate market.

According to the Lords of the Street, a new paradigm had emerged: financial risk could be sliced and diced into oblivion, cheap leverage is here to stay and housing prices can only go up. Many foresaw the folly of this enterprise. Buffet, the great chief of the House of Berkshire Hathaway, called the new instruments of invincible wealth, financial weapons of mass destruction. But the aging House of Greenspan was oblivious to the great folly unfolding before its jaundiced eye. The unbelievers were admonished to stay in Nebraska where they belonged.

Their Punishment

Finally, the Market decided to punish the arrogance of the bankers by destroying the tower. First, it, confused them by splitting them up into many greedy tribes, each with a tongue and agenda of its own, (hence the name Babel, meaning “confusion”). A new tribe, the Shorts, arrived and the hunters soon became the hunted. Alas, they were forced to subjugate their vast pools of CDOs and CDSs to the divine force of the Market. This ultimate humiliation came to be known as the “great MTM slaughter.”

When this happened, the Tower had to be abandoned. The various bankers would migrate in different directions. Many were fired. Others headed West to the Valley of Silicon, no doubt dreaming of other Babels ripe for exploitation—nanotech, infotech, biotech and cleantech to name but a few .

The Tower itself was partly burned and partly swallowed by the great Houses of Morgan, Barclay’s and BOA. As for the Great Houses of Goldman and Morgan, they were forced to pledge themselves to the Fed, under the wise and benevolent protection of Gentle Ben, the new master of the House of Greenspan. He who would later come to be known as “Father Moral Hazard”.

(Adapted by WilliamBanzai7 from the Biblical story of the Tower of Babel)


Brother, Can You Spare a Dime," music by Jay Gorney (1931)

They used to tell me I was building a global investment bank, and so I followed the mob,
When there were fees to plow, or risks to bear, I was always there right on the job.
They used to tell me I was building a global bank, with wealth and glory ahead,
Why should I be standing in line, just waiting for bread?

Once I built a bank, I made it run, made it race the markets.
Once I built a bank; now it's done. Brother, can you spare a dime?
Once I built a tower, up to the sun, brick, and rivet, and lime;
Once I built a tower, now it's done. Brother, can you spare a dime?

Once in Armani suits, gee we looked swell,
Full of that Yankee Doodly Dum,
Half a million bankers went marching around the globe,
And I was the guy with the drum!

Say, don't you remember, they called me Dick; it was Dick all the time.
Why don't you remember, I'm your pal? Buddy, can you spare a dime?

Once in Armani suits, gee we looked swell,
Full of that Yankee Doodly Dum,
Half a million brogues went marching,
And I was the guy with the drum!

Say, don't you remember, they called me Dick; it was Dick all the time.
Say, don't you remember, I'm your pal? Buddy, can you spare a dime?


(to the melody of Pink Houses by
John Cougar Mellencamp)

Theres a black man with a black cat
Living in a redline neighbourhood
Hes got an interstate runnin through his front yard
You know, he thinks, negative equities good
And theres a woman in the kitchen cleanin up the evening slop
And he looks at her and says: hey darling, I think this interest rates over the top!

Oh but aint that america for you and me
Aint that america were somethin to see baby
Aint that america, home of the subprime disease
Little pink houses for you and me

Well theres a young man in a t-shirt
Listening to Greedspan shoot the breeze
Hes got a greasy hair, greasy smile
He says: lord, Lehman must be my destination
cuz they told me, when I was younger
Boy, youre gonna work in a wall street bank
But just like CDOs, those crazy old dreams
Just kinda came and went

Oh but aint that america for you and me
Aint that america were something to see baby
Aint that america, home of the SEC
Little pink houses for you and me

Well theres bankers and more brokers
What do they know know know
Go to work in some high rise
And vacation out at the Hamptons, oh no!
Ohhh yeah
And theres winners, and theres losers
But they aint no big deal
cuz the simple man baby pays for the thrills,
The pills and the bills that kill

Oh but aint that america for you and me
Aint that america were somethin to see baby
Aint that america, home of the bailout and risk free real estate dream
Little pink houses for you and me

Oh but aint that america for you and me
Aint that america were somethin to see baby
Aint that america, home of investment banker greed
Little pink houses for you and me
How The Grinch Almost Killed Wall Street
(How the Grinch Stole Christmas revised by
William Banzai7)

Every Banker down on Wall Street Liked CDOS a lot...
But the Grinch,Who lived just north in Greenwich, Did NOT!
The Grinch hated those investment bankers for a whole list of reasons!
Now, that is why we are having this exciting fall season.
It could be his trader head was screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his white shoes were a little too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his NAV was 12 sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, His smarts or his shoes,
He stood there last week, hating all Wall Street's Whose Whos,
Staring down at his trading P&L with a sour, Grinchy frown,
Detesting those warm lighted screens in Wall Street town.
For he knew every Captain down in Wall Street beneath,
Was busy now, trying to sail through the great Subprime reef.
"And they're firing their traders" he snarled with a sneer,
"In three months its Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to give those investment bankers a drubbing!"
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Whose Who of Bankers,
Would wake bright and early. And rush to save all their bonus earnings!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE!
Then the Whose Whos, young and old, would all fly Far East.
And they'd try to talk Korea and China into feasting on trading book yeast!
And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST!
They would feast on champagne and rare banker roast beast.
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN They'd do something He liked least of all!
Every Who down in Wall Street, the Bulls and the Bears,
Would stand close together, with opening bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING!
And the more the Grinch thought of this Singing,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for year after year I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop a Wall Street bailout from coming! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he made a some quick calls to spread rumours of a giant toxic CDS boat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great short seller trick!"
"With this phone and this screen, I'll batter those Wall Streetwalkers selling asset backed tricks"

"PoohPooh to the Whose Whos!" he was grinchishly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Chinese White Knight is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Whose Whos down in Wall Street will all cry BooHoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear noises over the trading screen glow.
It started low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Bloomberg and Reuters! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every banker down in Wall Street, the Bulls and the Bears,
Was singing! Without any White Knight at all!
He HADN'T seen a Big Federal bailout coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came!
And the Grinch, stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came with out tickers! It came without a tab!"
"It came as Federal largesse in boxes and bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe a Bailout," he thought, "is not just for financial Whooers"
"Maybe Fed bailout...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then? Well...on Greenwich Main Street they say,
That the Grinch's taxes grew 12 sizes that day!
And the minute his wallet didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his Lexus through the South Bronx morning light,
And he met those Wall Street boys for a Smith & Wolensky feast!
And he, HE HIMSELF! The Grinch carved the beef!


Sympathy for the Shorts
(Melody of Sympathy For the Devil)
(Lyrics by WilliamBanzai7)

Please allow me to introduce myself
Im a man of wealth and taste
Ive been around for a long, long year
Stole many a mans nest egg and faith
And I was round when Livermore
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Bernie Madoff
Washed his hands and sealed his fate
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game
I stuck around AIG
When I saw it was a time for a change
Fired the CEO and his SVPs
While Bernanke screamed in vain
I killed a bank
Was best friends with Hank
When the markets raged
And the DOW Jones sank
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
Ah, whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah
I watched with glee
While your investment banks bleed
Fought for ten decades
To kill the paper they made
I shouted out,
Who killed Lehman, Bear and the GSEs?
When after all
It was you and me
Let me please introduce myself
Im a man of wealth and taste
And I laid traps for bankers
Who get fired before they reach Mumbai
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But whats confusing you
Is just the nature of my game
Just as every banker is a criminal
And all the investors saints
As heads is tails
Just call me hedge fund joe
cause Im in need of some restraint
So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
Use all your well-learned risk controls
Or Ill lay your trading book to waste, um yeah
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, um yeah
But whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, um mean it, get down
Woo, who
Oh yeah, get on down
Oh yeah
Oh yeah!
Tell me baby, whats my name

Sunday, September 21, 2008

"The Markets They Are A-Changin'"
(To Bob Dylan's Times They Are a Changin)
Come gather round 'bankers'
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be told to go home
If your job to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like the DOW
For the markets they are a-changin'.

Come hedgefunds and bear traders
Who prophesize and sell short
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the markets still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'
For the markets they are a-changin'.

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's financial meltdown outside
And it is ragin'
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the markets they are a-changin'.

Come Central Bankers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Those OTC derivative books
Are beyond your command
The old road is
Rapidly agin'
Please get out Bernanke and Paulsen
If you must bail out your friends
For the markets they are a-changin'.
Bernanke's Big Rock Candy Mountains

(to the melody of Big Rock Candy Mountain)
Lyrics By WilliamBanzai7

One evening as the DOW went down and the ABX was burning
Down the track came a banker hiking and he said boys I'm not turning
I'm headin for a land that's far away from Wall Street's crystal towers
So come with me we'll go and see the Bernanke's Big Rock Candy Mountains

In Bernanke's Big Rock Candy Mountains there's a land that's fair and bright
Where the handouts grow from the Bush bailout pros and you sleep sound every night
Where the ABS books are all empty and the sun shines every day
On the birds and the bees and the bonus trees
Where the perrier springs where the squawk box sings
In the Bernanke's Big Rock Candy Mountains

In Bernanke's Big Rock Candy Mountains all the regulators have wooden legs
And the shorts all have rubber teeth and the taxpayers lay golden eggs
The traders books are full of fruit and the bankers play all day
Oh, I'm bound to go where there ain't no snow
Where the rain don't fall and the wind don't blow
In Bernanke's Big Rock Candy Mountains

In Bernanke's Big Rock Candy Mountains you never sell your stocks
And the glimmering streams of origination fees come a-trickling down the rocks
The enforcers have to tip their hats and the bears and shorts are banned
There's a lake of stew and of champagne too
You can sail all around 'em in your custom yachts
In Bernankies Big Rock Candy Mountains

In Bernanke's Rock Candy Mountains white collar jails are made of tin
And you can walk right out again as soon as you are in
There ain't no short handled shovels, no axes saws or picks
I'm a goin to stay where you sleep all day
Where they hung that jerk from Berkshire Hathaway
In Bernanke's Big Rock Candy Mountains

I'll see you all this coming fall in Bernanke's Big Rock Candy Mountains