CASH FOR DRUNKARDS

BANZAI7 NEWS--Beer drinkers beware: The cost of a cold one is going up. Anheuser-Busch InBev., which brews Budweiser, plans to raise prices.

"We plan on taking price increases on a majority of volume and in a majority of markets this fall," the brewer said in an email statement. "The increase helps cover some input costs"

The U.S.-Belgian brewer said prices will go up "across different price tiers" including its high and low-end brands.

Recognizing the negative affect these price increases could have on the well documented jobless recovery, the Obama Administration and Congress are planning a "Cash for Drunkards" program which will stimulate bear purchases by shell shocked consumers. Treasury Secretary Geithner said: "It is unrealistic to expect the banks to finance loans for beverage purchases out of their record breaking bonus pools. That dough is for them to use buying rounds of scotch for their risk managers. The cash for drunkards program will work well in tandem with the cash for klunkers and cash for bankers programs."