Thursday, February 5, 2009



FEBRUARY 6, 2009


The following are excerpts from today's closed door hearing.

CHAIRMAN JANITORSKI: Ladies and Gentleman, following the commendable testimony of Mr. Marco Polo and the useless drivel obtained from stooges from the SEC and FINRA, the subcommittee has succeeded in arranging special supplemental testimony by Bernard C. Madoff. We are grateful to Mr. Madoff for volunteering to provide his testimony. We understand that there are a plethora of investigations targeting Mr.
Madoff and his asset management and brokerage businesses. Mr. Madoff has indicated that he has nothing to hide and is quite willing to provide his candid observations concerning the United States regulatory apparatus as it pertains to "Global Ponzinomics". I would like to thank the United States Marshall Service for its cooperation in making it possible for Mr. Madoff to attend the Forum. That is a custom designed Cartier bailout bracelet Bernie is wearing. It is designed to explode if he gets within 50 yards of Mr. Marco Polo. At this time I would also like to thank Citigroup for providing a bad jet to bring Mr. Madoff to the Capital on such short notice. Without further delay, I turn the floor over over to Mr. Madoff.

OPENING REMARKS OF MR. MADOFF: Thank you Mr. Chairman. First, I would like to offer Kudos to Mr. Markopolos. He seems to have been the singular individual who was able to divine the complexity and simplicity of Global Ponzinomics. I have read Mr. Markopolos' submissions to the subcommittee keenly. He certainly knows his greek alphabet. Although I agree with many of his conclusions there are a number of clarifications I would like to make at this time. Mr. Markopolos, I tip my hat to you. Further let me assure you that those who are intent on causing grave bodily harm to me, have no interest in injuring you, that is unless you have some special revelations to make about the business models currently employed by the Columbian drug cartels and Russian Mafia.

1. I am not a common fraudster or standard deviant. I am a Wall Street businessman. I make a living the same old fashioned way the rest of my brethren do on the "Street". We all have our own strategies for achieving a fair return for ourselves and sometimes our clients. The common link is the principles of ponzinomics first codified and applied by Charles Ponzi some 100 years ago. In the not too distant future I will be completely exonerated just like Mr. Blagojevich. Ponzinomics is the apparent backbone of global capitalism "Wall Street style". You show me a Wall Street innovation, I'll show you a Ponzi axiom. There is a little bit of Ponzi innovation in all of us. It's in our nature.

2. The Madoff model is essentially the same riskless ponzinomial expansion applied by Wall Street's securitization and derivatives industry. Opacity and incomprehensibility are key. Moreover, my black box contains the same spaghetti and meatballs as the many black boxes employed in the rest of the hedge fund industry with one key difference, I dont pay commissions to prime brokerages.

3. My sons are total canards. Trust me, if I had let them in on the Madoff strategy, we would have been just another brokerage and investment firm struggling to make a dishonest dime.

4. I originally thought Megan Cheung was the television newswoman Connie Chung. Imagine my disappointment when she did not show up for my interview in person. When I later learned that Ms. Cheung was a Branch Chief at the SEC NY Regional Office, I decided to add some excitement to my life. I prepared a detailed 36 page confession (Exhibit A) and delivered to Ms. Cheung clandestinely, inside an order of Moosho Pork from from China Fun, which is right down the block from my Park Avenue Apartment. I thought Ms. Cheung would be a clever adversary. However, her response was disappointing to say the least. She sent a clandestine return message to me, also inside a delivery of China Fun Moosho Pork. There were no fingerprint's on the carton, at least as far as I could tell. The message was short and I quote it here for the Subcommittee.

Dear Mr. Madoff,

Thank you for participating in the SEC's TIPs program. Your TIP will be examined in due course by the staff. If the staff determines that your TIP has merit, we will contact you in due course. However, you should be aware that the SEC is primarily busy pursuing Martha Stewart and other well known celebrities. If you do not hear from us. it is not because we do not care.

Ethically and diligently yours,

Megan Cheung, Esq.
Branch Chief

As the subcommittee can imagine I found this disappointing to say the least. Oh well, you know what they say in Chinatown, "If the Mooshoo fits, wear it."

5. There is no such thing as a "sophisticated investor". My dog "Spreadsheets" (as in he ate my spread sheets) is more sophisticated and market savy than the hundreds of European bottom feeders, golf course day traders, pension funds, celebrities and mobsters and Wall Street banksters who invested in the Madoff funds.

6. Much has been said about my luxurious Park Avenue jail cell. All of it is true.

7. Elliot Spitzer is not as smart as you think.

8. I would like to extend a warm personal invitation to Dick Fuld, Jimmy Cayne, Sandy Weil, Chuck Prince, Stan O'Neal, John Thain, Ken Screwless Lewis and any other Wall Street kleptocrat, to join me for a regular Thursday night poker game.

9. There is one other party that seems to have bested me. The President of Rally Motors in Roslyn NY. He is a worthy nominee for consideration as Chief of Enforcement at the SEC.

10. Mr. Markopolos, in honor of your magnificent but futile efforts with the SEC, I have arranged for custom made Cartier platnum bailout whistle with your name engraved in zirconium.

HEARING RECESS: Members powder session....

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