Tuesday, March 17, 2009




There are certain subjects that we at the BANZAI7 News Organization understand must be treated with the utmost seriousness, sensitivity and decorum. Today we discuss Bailout Seppuku, samurai ritualistic suicide when committed by incompetent Wall Street CEOs responsible for blowing up the global ponzi-economic system.

Yesterday Iowa Senator Charles Grassley challenged AIG executives with the following: "I would suggest the first thing that would make me feel a little bit better toward them if they'd follow the Japanese example and come before the American people and take that deep bow and say, 'I'm sorry,' and then either do one of two things: resign or go commit suicide."

What he is talking about is known in Japan as Bailout Seppuku (pronounced Bear Out-o Seppuku and not to be confused with Joe Serpico).

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the ritualistic intricacies of Bailout Seppuku we asked out lead commentator WilliamBanzai7 to research and prepare the following detailed report. As you will see, these are serious matters to consider. We urge Hank Greenberg, Martin Sullivan, Robert Willumstead (aka the Three AIG Stooges) to read this methodology carefully.

We further urge Senator Grassley to carefully view the video which reveals GOP Seppuku in technicolor. Afterall, he and his GOP posse share most of the blame for the mother of all Wall Street meltdowns.


The Fine Art of Bailout Seppuku

Bailout Seppuku (only gaijin or smelly caucasian men refer to it as "hari-kari") is a highly ritualized road show performance, as complicated as chado (tea ceremony). The principle difference is that at the end of chado, one is merely nauseated from too much green tea, while at the end of bailout seppuku, ones Wall Street career is finished.

The first thing to do is to recruit an analyst, a kaishkunin. Contrary to what is thought, almost all forms of bailout seppuku do not technically involve suicide, but merely inflicting fatal humiliation upon oneself, preferably on the internet or the Daily Show. The kaishakunin does the actual killing. If one is ordered to commit seppuku by the bafuku (United States Congress), it will generally appoint its own kaishakunin. Otherwise, one should ask a great iaijutsuka (practitioner of the technique of killing with a single key stroke) or a close personal friend (as hard as they are to find on Wall Street these days) to be one’s kaishakunin. If asked out of friendship, one may refuse on the grounds that one’s waza (blogging technique) is inadequate; if the request is repeated, however, one should consent gracefully, as flaws in technique will be forgiven (by the blogosphere).

Bailout Seppuku is ideally committed in a corner office, a board or Penthouse (trading floors should not be defiled by bailout death). The participant dresses in Saville Row bespoke long underwear, to express purity of intention and sits in the seiza position (legs drawn up under the body so that one is actually sitting on one’s blackberry). A servant places the sanbo (a Bloomberg terminal) before one. It will be accompanied with a tin cup, a balance sheet (water soluble paper handmade from mulberry bark) and blogging accoutrements such as an executive assistant with a wireless laptop, and a copy of the ISDA form Credit Default swap with standard attachments (disemboweling blade). This can be a tanto (SWAP) without collateral ceiling, wrapped in several sheets of toilet paper to provide a better grip. Real Wall Street samurai, however, use their own wakizashi (ginzu steak knives). If one is of limited experience, or judged too dangerous to be trusted with complex derivatives, an autographed copy of Alan Greenspan's book "Age of Flatulence" may be substituted for an actual blade.

The tin cup is filled with Thunderbird from the left, by an attendant using his left hand (this is indescribably rude under other circumstances). The person committing bailout seppuku then empties it in two drinks of two sips each (one sip would show greed, whilst three or more would show even more greed). This makes a total of four sips; shi, "four", also means "trader death" (Japanese just love these kinds of puns, especially when they’re about to kill themselves).

One then writes a hail Mary sales pitch in the waka style (five lines of five, seven, seven, five, and seven syllables). The poem should be graceful, fraudulent, misleading, deceitful and about results of operations and capital resources. Under no means should it mention that the fact you are about to be terminated with "good cause".

At this point, the person slips out of his bespoke boxers (kamishimo) and places them under his chin to prevent him from doing something undignified like telling the truth or paying back last years bonus. He picks up the kozuka, and with his other hand picks up the sanbo and sticks it up his buttocks, to cause him to lean forward slightly in the proper attitude.

If the person committing is so young or so evil that Greenspan's book has been substituted, the kaishakunin executes a kirioroshi strike (vertical) over the head as soon as the person committing bailout seppuku touches the book to his stomach. Otherwise, he will typically wait until the person plunges the ISDA SWAP into his left eye, and draws it across to the right, with a sharp upward cut at the end. A Wall Street samurai who feels himself capable may then plunge the SWAP into his groin and then up his sorry ass. However, the kaishakunin is supposed to keep a sharp (heh, heh) eye out, and strike at the first sign of pain or hesitation in his principle.

After the executive committing bailout seppuku is finally humiliated, the sanbo, the kozuka, and the katana are all sold on EBAY.

[Special thanks to Rat's Nest Blog for providing data used in this description: http://www.win.net/ratsnest/archive-articles21/fog0000000384.html]


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