Saturday, March 21, 2009
WILLIAM BANZAI7's BAILOUT FINAL FOUR ROUND UP
WILLIAM BANZAI7'S BAILOUT FINAL FOUR ROUND UP
Well its been an exciting season on Wall Street.
We've seen many upsets, we've vicariously experienced the agony
of defeat and we have yet to experience
the thrill of victory.
The season began in March 2008
with the surprise elimination of Bear Stearns & Co. Many attribute that
upset to bumbling coach Jimmy Cayne's preoccupation with tournament bridge.
Later in the season we saw some amazingly risky play, all of
which due to a combination of poor planning and team cockiness
resulted in early eliminations. Lehman was the first to go under the
stewardship of Dick (the "Gorilla") Fuld. Many say the Gorilla underestimated
the resolve of tournament officials, lead by Lead Referee Benny Bernanke, to hold each team accountable for its risky on court behavior. Moreover, Dicks 11th hour plan to import Korean ringers seemed doomed to failure from the start.
Next to go, the Merrill Lynch Bulls. The Bulls made the mistake of a flawed
subprime strategy from the get go. In addition, their preoccupation with big bonus
contracts lead to their eventual demise under coach Johnny Thain. Thain
distracted himself decorating his new office while his players
shot themselves up with derivative steroids. In the end, Thain's team
threw in the cards in an upset victory by Bank America led by coach
Ken "Screwless" Lewis.
The surprise story was AIG. Who would have believed that a team consisting of
derivative trailer trash could bulk itself up on subprime steroids and very nearly
drag all of the other teams to oblivion. In the end AIG fell to Goldman Sachs who
seemed to have the "inside" advantage under the net, despite the chorus of outrage
alleging suspect officiating.
Well here they are are, the Banzai7 Bailout final four round up:
CITIGROUP: CITI is the only team operating with new coaches. Coach Vikram 'Rah Rah'
Pandit is reputedly a technical genius, but he has the odd habit of over-
communicating with his players in written memos. Pandits latest plan has been
to divide his time into a good team and a bad team. Lately he has been
preoccupied remodeling his office. He also likes to send memos summarising team stats.
Hopefully he won't repeat some of the commodious mistakes
made by Johnny Thain.
BAC: BAC under the leadership of coach Ken "Screwless Lewis" earned its place in the
final four by defeating Countrywide and the Merrill Bulls. Later, in a surprise move, BAC brought in
many of the overpriced Bulls including Johnny Thain. Unlike CITI, BAC is sticking
to its bad bank strategy. Lewis is reputedly a volatile "take no prisoners" martinet
who keeps a live bailout hand grenade on his desk. Bobby Knight would be proud.
MORGAN STANLEY: MORGAN STANLEY has always been affectionately thought of as America's
team. In recent years they experienced internal strife. Coach Johnny Mack is a dedicated, bread and
potatoes man who says he loves what he does even when he does it for free.
Some question his preoccupation with Japanese players. He has done very
well in steering his team away from controversy and keeping his teams nose to the grindstone.
GOLDMAN SACHS: GOLDMAN SACHS is perhaps the most reviled of the four teams. This follows from a combination of
overeaching and cockiness following a nail biter with AIG that almost led to Goldman's own early elimination.
Coach Blankfein is a smooth operator, but many blame him for nearly sinking the franchise. Lately
Goldman has experienced controversy surrounding the alleged impropriety in its TARP bailout financing as well
as conflicts of interest involving officials.
There you have it. This years Bailout Final Four. As you know, the last team standing will earn the chance to
go head to head with Jamie Dimon's J.P. MORGAN CHASE. A team which many say has executed flawlessly all