Questions for Warren:

THE ANSWER WARREN MY FRIEND, IS BLOWIN IN THE WIND
(Blowin in the Wind, Bob Dylan)
WilliamBanzai7

How many points must the DOW slide down
Before it's safe to buy once again ?
Yes, n how many zombie banks must Uncle Sam bail
Before the Federal budget sinks in the deficit quicksand?
Yes, n how many times must FWMD cannon balls fly
Before they're forever banned?
The answer, Warren my friend, is blowin in the wind,
The answer is blowin in the wind.

How many times must investors look up
Before they can see the Ponzi blue sky?
Yes, n how many ears must the SEC have
Before it can hear the whistle blowers's cry?
Yes, n how many financial disasters will it take till it knows
That too many greedy CEO's have lied?
The answer, Warren my friend, is blowin in the wind,
The answer is blowin in the wind.

How many years can a bloated asset bubble exist
Before its washed to the bear market sea?
Yes, n how many years can free markets exist
Before they're consumed by Wall Street hubris and greed?
Yes, n how many times can a man turn his 401(k) head,
Pretending he just doesnt see?
The answer, Warren my friend, is blowin in the wind,
The answer is blowin in the wind.

MEET THE BLACKSTONES
(Meet the Flintstones)
WilliamBanzai7

Blackstones. Meet the Blackstones. They’re a delayed fuse Wall Street tragedy.
From the town of Debt Shlock, they’re a page right out of asset bubble history.

Let’s ride with Steve Schwarzman down the street.
Through the courtesy of Alan Greenstones leveraged feat.

If you're dime's with the Blackstones, you’ll wait a long time. A long long long time.
You'll wait a long long long long time.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK (BAILOUT TOWN BLUES)
(New York, New York)
WilliamBanzai7

Sing along link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5lolwLxMbk

Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today
I don't want to be a part of it - New York, New York
These laid off banker shoes, are going away
We drove a stake through the very heart of it
New York, New York

I thought I woke up in a CITI of Wall Street dreams
And found the king of the hill - sits on top of a Ponzi scheme

These Bailout town blues, have melted our bonuses away
I'll make a brand new start of it - outside good Old New York
If I can't make it here, I can make it anywhere
No thanks to you - New York, New York

New York, New York
I woke up in a CITI of Wall Street perps and quantitative geeks
Now I find my employer is number one on top of the bailout heep,
AIG number one

These Bailout town blues, are melting banker jobs away
Im gonna make a brand new start of it -outside good old New York
If I can't make it there, I can make it anywhere

No thanks to you - New York New York

Goldman Super Heroes: Hilarious!

See them here:

http://www.monkeybusinessblog.com/goldman_superheroes/2008/09/superheroes-res.html

WE'RE TURNING JAPANESE
(Turning Japanese, The Vapors)
WilliamBanzai7

Sing along link: http://video.google.com/videosearch?q=turning+japanese&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&ei=I1SnSeeUCMPDkAX694TJDQ&sa=X&oi=video_result_group&resnum=4&ct=title#

We've got a picture, We've got a picture,
Of horrendous economic news
You wrote "We love you" We wrote back "we too"
We sit here staring at Bloombergs, there's nothing else to do
Oh it's in color the DOW keeps going down
Our eyes are glazed And our deficit is flying in the clouds
Now we can kiss our Asset Bubble asses goodbye when there's no one else around

We've got a picture, a real bad picture
Like a million years of stagnant economic hell
We want a doctor to take your picture
So we can look at your Lost Decade from inside as well
You've got us turning up and turning down
And turning in and turning 'round

We're turning Japanese
I think We're turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think We're turning Japanese
I really think so
We're turning Japanese
I think We're turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think We're turning Japanese
I really think so

No loans, no bonus, no jobs, no women
No fun, no sun, no good news, no wonder it's dark
Everyone around us is in layoff danger
Investors all avoid us like a cyclone ranger

That's why We're turning Japanese
I think We're turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think We're turning Japanese
I really think so
We're turning Japanese
I think e're turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think We're turning Japanese
I really think so

CRAZY LIDDY AIG EASTER/XMAS BLOWOUT SALE

Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yYGoO5imyY

Hold the mistletoe, because its Crazy Libby's AIG Easter Xmas Blowout sale.

Crazy Liddy's got everything you could possibly need to run
a global insurance mega juggernaut.

And its all on sale now. Airplane leasing companies, auto insurers, life insurers, casualty insurers, property insurers, reinsurers, financial products, banks, anything and everything in securitised toxic subprime products...And its all on sale a such low prices he's practically giving them away.

Remember we will not be undersold; we cannot be undersold and we mean it...

Santa knows that the best insurance asset deals in town are at Crazy Liddy's Easter Xmas Blowout blitz.

See Crazy Liddy over at AIG now now, his prices are totally INSAAAAANE!!!!!!!!!!!

THE VOID LEFT BY ELLIOT SPITZER

It is too bad that Mr. Spitzer abandoned his calling as a “big picture” prosecutor. His self destruction has left a great void in the field of innovative financial law enforcement. No one seems capable of putting the big picture together over at the AIG “Hole in the Wall”. AIG is either the biggest example of criminal negligence, outright securities fraud or both.

They made hideous bets on toxic asset backed subprime securities and credit default swaps. Perhaps stupidity is an excuse. But their management (Mr. Sullivan and company) lied publicly about the extent of the exposure. They still have not fessed up. How else can it be that we are now looking at bailing out the biggest loss quarter in corporate history. $60 billion seems like a lot of dough, except at AIG where they have everything under control.

Clinton got hung for perjury, Arthur Anderson lied about document shredding and paid for it, can’t AIG’s management or former management get hung for fraudulent disclosure?

Their securities lending strategy was another mega farce that defies belief. Moreover their follow up trade, investing short term proceeds in illiquid subprime securities was a toxic cocktail mixing rotten financial mushrooms with bad subprime acid.

AIG could claim the “financial tsunami defense.” These events were totally unprecedented. That strategy just does not fly when your ship is top heavy with so much toxic garbage that a mere summer squall would inevitably result in a capsize.

Why is it that Mr. Cuomo, who is busy barking about bailout bonuses (rightfully so) can’t get a handle on what happened at AIG? A creative prosecutorial mind would find an angle to hold some one accountable for the bailout black hole we keep hearing about every quarter.

This is the void left by Spitzer.

THE BAILOUT BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN
(The Boys Are Back in Town, Thin Lizzy)
WilliamBanzai7

Singalong link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FmPhJkdTwU

Guess who just got back today?
Those wild-eyed Bailout Boys of GM, AIG and CITIII
Havent changed, havent much new to say
But man, those cats keep losing Billions and Billions

They were asking if Uncle Sam's around
How his TARP wallet was, where he could be found
I told them he was hiding somewhere downtown
All the Wall Street bankers driving him crazy

The Bailout Boys are Back in town...

The Bailout Boys are Back in town...

You know that Hank Greenberg used to dance a lot
Every day he'd be on the NYSE floor shaking what AIG got
Man when I tell you he was cool, he was red hot
I mean AIG was steaming

That night over at Pandit's place
Sandy Weil got up and slapped Chuck Prince's face
Man we just fell about the place
That Chuck did'nt want to know, forget him

Friday night in Detroit theyll be dressed to kill
Down at dinos bar and grill
The drink will flow and blood will spill
If GM and the UAW boys want to fight, you'd better let them

That jukebox in the corner blasting out my favorite Banzai7 Bailout Song
The nights are getting warmer, it wont be long
It wont be long till the Bailout summer of 2009
Now that the Bailout Boys are here again

THE MADOFF FAMILY
(the Adams Family)
WilliamBanzai7

They're creepy and they're crooked,
Ponzi filching the rich and stupid,
All together they have no moral scruples,
The Madoff Family.

Their Penthouse is a fraudulent museum
Where the Feds come to see 'em
They really are a scree-am
The Madoff Family.

(Palm Beach)
(Uptown)
(Ferkakdah Elite)

So get a scamster suit and shawl on
A huckster black board you can draw on
We're gonna pay a call on
The Madoff Family.

BAILOUT SURFIN USA

BAILOUT SURFIN U.S.A.
(Surfin U.S.A., the Beachboys)
WilliamBanzai7 and the Bailout Boys

Listen everyone there's a Bailout ocean
Across the U.S.A.
Greedy bankers n idiot CEOs are surfin'
Like its gold rush Californ-i-a
You'd seem 'em wearing their Hermes ties
Bespoke brogues too
A big French jet will do
BAILOUT U.S.A.

You'd catch 'em bailout surfin' at CITI
(Inside outside U.S.A.)
AIG's bottomless line
(Inside outside U.S.A.)
Detroit City and Charlotte
(Inside outside U.S.A.)
Why won't someone draw a line
(Inside outside U.S.A.)
All over East Side Manhattan
(Inside outside U.S.A.)
Goin down the faux capitalist way
(Inside outside)
Everybody's gone bailout surfin'
BAILOUT U.S.A.

We'll all be planning out a TARP get away
We're gonna take real soon
We're waxing down our slippery surfboards
We can't wait for Dr Doom
We'll all be gone for the summer
We're on a Ponzi safari to stay
Tell the shareholders and taxpayers we're bailout surfin'
BAILOUT U.S.A.

Everybody's gone bailout surfin'
BAILOUT U.S.A.

Everybody's gone bailout surfin'
BAILOUT U.S.A

TEL: 1-800-GET CASH
FAX: 1-800-JOHNNY CASH

TO CITIGROUP G.B. (Good Bank)

ATTENTION: VIKRAM PANDIT CEO

DEAR SIR,

CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL

HAVING CONSULTED WITH MY COLLEAGUES, AND BASED ON THE INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE CENTRAL BANK OF ETHIOPIA ACTING AS A CORRESPONDENT BANK FOR THE UNITED STATES FEDERAL RESERVE BANK, I HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO REQUEST FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO TRANSFER THE SUM OF TWENTY SEVEN MILLION, UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($27 M U.S. DOLLARS) INTO YOUR BANKS RESERVE ACCOUNTS.

THE ABOVE SUM RESULTED FROM A T.A.R.P. CASH INJECTION TO BE FUNDED INDIRECTLY BY MEANS OF AN INTERBANK LOAN MISDISBURSED FIVE MONTHS (5 MTHS)AGO BY ANOTHER US BANK. THIS ACTION WAS HOWEVER INTENTIONAL, AND SINCE THEN THE FUNDS HAVE BEEN IN A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT AT THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA - OUR APEX BANK. WE ARE NOW READY TO TRANSFER THE FUNDS TO YOU, AND THAT IS WHY WE REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE. THE TOTAL SUM WILL BE SHARED AS FOLLOWS:- 80% FOR US, 15% FOR YOU AND 5% FOR LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL EXPENSES INCIDENTAL TO THE TRANSFER.

THE TRANSACTION IS RISK FREE ON BOTH SIDES. I AM AN ACCOUNTANT WITH THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL SECURITIZATION CORPORATION (N.N.S.C). IF YOU FIND THIS PROPOSAL ACCEPTABLE, WE SHALL REQUIRE THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTS:

(A) YOUR BANK'S SWIFT CODE, ACCOUNT, AND FAX NUMBERS.
(B) YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS - FOR CONFIDENTIALITY AND EASY COMMUNICATION.
(C) YOUR LETTER HEADED PAPER AND PRO-FORMA BANK ADVISES STAMPED AND SIGNED BY YOU.

ALTERNATIVELY, WE WILL FURNISH YOU WITH THE TEXT OF WHAT TO TYPE INTO YOUR LETTER HEADED PAPER AND PROFORMA LETTER OF INSTRUCTION, ALONG WITH A BREAK DOWN. EXPLAINING COMPREHENSIVELY WHAT WE REQUIRE OF YOU. THE BUSINESS WILL TAKE US 30 WORKING DAYS TO ACCOMPLISH. FOR SECURITY REASONS, DO NOT HOOK UP TO AT&T (AMERICAN TELEPHONE & TELEGRAPH) NUMBER UNTIL YOU GET THROUGH.

PLEASE REPLY URGENTLY.

BEST REGARDS,

DR. PAUL GABRIEL GREENSPAN

LAND OF BAILOUT OZ
(Merry Old Land of Oz)
WilliamBanzai7

Ha - ha - ha, Ho - ho - ho - And a couple of tra - la - las
That's how we laugh your cash away, In the Bailout land of Oz!
Bzz - bzz - bzz, Chirp - chirp - chirp - And a couple of La - di - das
That's how UAW misfits crick all day, In the Bailout Land of Oz!
We get up at twelve and start to work at one.
Take an hour for lunch and then at two we're done.
Jolly good fun!

Ha - ha - ha, Ho - ho - ho - And a couple of tra - la - las
That's how to piss Uncle Sam's cash away, In the Bailout Land of Oz!
Humvee here, Tahoe there, just a couple of guzzling hogs.
That's why they think its all just theirs In the Bailout Land of Oz!
Rub, rub here, Rub, rub there, Whether you're bonds are rated tin or brass
That's how we keep your covenants in good repair In the Bailout Land of Oz!

We can make a dumb and dumber style out of a Detroit 5 gallon mile.
Can you even dye the inside that lemon to match my gown? Uh-huh!
Jolly Old Bailout town!

Clip, clip here, Clip, clip there, We can take and squander more.
That certain air of misguided savoir faire, In the Land of Bailout Oz!
Ha - ha - ha - Ho - ho - ho - Ho - ho - ho - ho -
That's how we laugh taxpayer cash away In the Land of Bailout Oz!
Ha - ha - ha, Ho - ho - ho - Ha - ha - ha -ha - ha
That's how we laugh taxpayer cash away, In the Land of Bailout Oz!

UNITED STATES HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES COMMITTEE ON FINANCIAL SERVICES

WASHINGTON DC--February 11, 2009

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE


CHAIRMAN FRANK ANNOUNCES SURPRISE PANEL OF INDUSTRY EXPERTS TO HELP FLOG WALL STREET EXECUTIVES

Excerpts from today's hearing:

CHAIRMAN BERNIE FRANK: Hello, my name is Congressman Bernie Frank. I am the Chairman of this Committee and don't you forget it. Today we will be
addressing a matter of grave importance, the lack of accountability on Wall Street vis-a-vis the TARP I Bailout. You are all familiar with
the detailed reporting requirements that we neglected to include in the TARP enabling legislation that fateful weekend (or was it a week or two weeks?) last
September. Given that feeble drafting skills of the Committee Staff, the Wall Street guile of Mr. Paulsen's crew of Goldman hacks led by Kneel Cash N Carry, the unlimited greed and
diabolical machinations of Wall Street executives and the paucity of brain power on this Committee, it should be no surprise that we are gathered here today
without one inkling of where the billions and billions of TARP taxpayer dollars have gone. Rather than ruminating over these sad and shameful facts, I decided that it
would be more fun to haul a bunch of Wall Street CEOs into this hearing room for a verbal caning (in the parlance of Singapore's Temasek Holdings). The culprits called for today's skewering are well known: Ken "Screwless Lewis" of BadBankAmerica, Vikram Bandit of CITIBadBank, Lloyd Landmein of Goldman Bank & Trust me, Jamie Diamonds of JPMorgan and John Pay it Back of Morgan Stanley Bank & Trust me. Given Mr. Diamonds relatively good behavior compared to the rest of these rascals, I have decided to let Mr Diamond examine himself. Mr Diamond there is a powder mirror in my office.

To assist the Committee in these important matters I have invited a special panel of industry experts to examine the witnesses directly and indirectly. The Special Panel consists of the following luminaries: John Thain, a corporate governance expert with hands on experience in the investment banking industry most recently with Merrill Lynch; Barney Madoff whom you will all recall was good enough to testify at the Marco Polo hearing last week (I would like to thank the United States Marshall Service for allowing Bernie to stay in Washington over the weekend as a guest in my home); Ms. Kristen Davis, better known as the Manhattan Madam; Mr. Ralph "unsafe at any speed" Nader a well known expert on greed and corruption in corporate America and the magician Michael Blaine who is an expert at misdirection.

I don't know about you folks, I sure can't wait to misdirect attention away from my own incompetencies and culpability in this grand fiasco. So without further Ken Lay, excuse me, "delay" I turn the floor first to Mr. Madoff who will be returning to his Park Avenue incarceration cell later this morning.

One more small housekeeping item, will the industry witnesses please submit their AMTRAK ticket stubs for verification by the Sergeant at Arms.

BARNEY MADOFF: Got you again Bernie/Barney. Gentleman, we are all familiar with the near viral growth curve of the Ponzinomial expansion as a paradigm for modern global finance. As I have said on many occasions, the insights of Charles Ponzi some 100 years ago have adapted well to our business of financial innovation. Some critical ingredients: opacity, incomprehensibility, breach of trust and plain old fashioned hutzpha! Ponzinomics adaptes well to politics as well. I regret that I have not mastered certain facets of the art as well as yourselves. My first question is directed to Mr. Landmein of Goldman Bank & Trust me. Mr Landmein, do you believe that the basic Ponzinomic model is broken or, inasmuch as it is embedded in the Goldman model, will it survive the current upheaval?

JOHN THAIN: Thank you Chairman Madoff, I mean Frank. My first question is to Mr. Screwless. Ken, is it not true that I hand delivered to you numerous limited edition Currier & Ives Christmas cards detailing: 1. The size of the mega trading losses incurred by Merrill nit wits after the Merger Agreement was signed; 2. My plan to spend billions of TARP dollars enriching spoiled and incompetent Merrill bankers in order to save the Bull franchise; 3. My intention to sell all of my faux French furniture on Ebay before year end; and 4. Requesting your approval of my Christmas vacation schedule?

MADAM DAVIS: First, I would like to know which of you will finance the cost of my website as well as the distribution cost of my "Tell All" book. A favorable answer will avoid my having to submit this Black Trading Book as evidence in this hearing. Second, will one of you please explain the difference between screwing around for cash and screwing around with credit card invoices?

MR NADER: Mr Bandit, despite adequate warning signals and contrary to good business sense, the automotive industry opted to exploit a seemingly unlimited resource and failed to adapt a prudent business model that would withstand the risks associated with shifts in the global markets. Why should the US government bail your sorry asses in view of this hubristic display of greed filled evil corporate buffoonery? (Mr. Frank: Ralph we are talking about Wall Street not Detroit) I stand by my question, just change "automotive" to "banking" and assume the unlimited resource is cheap leverage instead of oil. If you've seen one bailout you've seen em all.

DAVID BLAINE: I have studied the business practices of the global finance industry. I would analogize it the old bent card and card board box. I am speaking of course about Three Card Monty, that quaint street game that is familiar to all native New Yorkers. By the time someone screams about the bent Red Queen, the cards and the card board box are flying in the air and Mr. Monty (together with the money) is long gone before the SEC cops arrive. I have a question for all of you. What is the difference between a Three Card Monty artist and a Wall Street Banker?

FOR MORE INFORMATION: The WilliamBanzai7 Blog

WALL STREET HOUSE OF THE SUBPRIME SLUM
(House of the Rising Sun, The Animals)
WilliamBanzai7

There is a crooked house on Wall Street
They call the House of the Subprime Slum
And it will be the ruin of many a poor boy
And God Elliot Spitzer knows he's one

My mother was a tailor
She sewed my pinstriped jeans
My father was a gamblin' man
But this I've never seen

Now the only thing a Wall Street gambler needs
Is a suitcase and trunk
And the only time he's satisfied
Is when the market's drunk

------ organ solo ------

Oh mother tell your children
Not to do what these crooked banker's have done
Spend your lives in sin and misery
In the Wall Street's House of the Subprime Slum

Well, I got one foot on the subway platform
The other foot in front of the train
I'm goin' back to where I came
To wear that ball and chain

Well, there is a house on Wall Street
They call the House of the Subprime Slum
And it's been the ruin of many a poor banker boy
Viagra chewing, hooked and crooked Wall Street bums

BERNIE MADOFF SINGS "IF I HAD A PONZI SCAM"
(If I Were a Rich Man, Fiddler on the Roof)
WilliamBanzai7 (Fraudster on the Roof)

If I had a Ponzi scam,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd be sitting in the Palm Beach sun.
If I had a good Ponzi scam.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy Ponzi,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

I'd buy a big gawdy mansion with rooms by the dozen,
Right in the middle of Palm Beach town.
And a fine Park Avenue Penthouse with a fleet of Mercede's and others below.
There would be one long staircase just going up,
And one even longer coming down,
And one more leading nowhere, just for show.

I'd fill my office with investor ducks and turkeys and geese to fleece
For all of Wall Street to see and hear.
Squawking just as noisily as they can.
Each loud "cheep" "squawk" "honk" "quack"
Would sound like a golden trumpet on my Ponzi scheming ears,
As if to say "Here is yet another wealthy yutz to schtupp."

If I had a PONZI scam,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I had a good PONZI scam.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy Ponzi,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

I see my wife, my Ruth, looking like a rich momzer's wife
With a proper Bloomingdale's grin.
Supervising meals to her heart's delight.
I see her putting on airs and strutting like a Park Avenue trophy tuchas.
Oy, what a happy mood she's in.
Screaming at the servants, day and night.

The most important machers in Wall Street town would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to advise them,
Like a Solomon the Wiseguy.
"If you please, Bernie..."
"Pardon me, Bernie..."
Posing megillahs that would cross an SEC Branch Chief's eyes!

And it won't make one bit of difference if i answer right or wrong.
When you're a Wall Street gonif, they think you really know!

If I were rich, I'd have the time that I lack
To hook then slice golf balls and pray.
And maybe have a seat on the NASD Board.
And I'd discuss the holy finance books like a big Wall Street macher, several hours every day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.

If I had a PONZI SCAM,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I had a good PONZI scam .
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.

Lord who made the Wall Street lions and the rich shnooks and lambs,
You decreed I should be what I am.
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan?
If I built the Mother of all Ponzi scams.

THE WALL STREET MADAM FINANCIAL SEXICON

THE WALL STREET MADAM SEXICON
(Jargon used in the financial/sexual industrial complex)
Collected by WilliamBanzai7


ALL NIGHT MAN: One who goes to the printers often.
ALT A: An angle of approach.
ANALYST: John who talks too much.
ANALYST CALL: Phone sex
ARB: One who exploits price differentials for services at different venues.
ARRANGEMENT FEE: Madam's cut.
ASSET CLASS: Quality of lady.
ATM: A regular client

BAILOUT: Session on credit.
BALLOON: Condom
BANK LETTER: A client reference
BARBARIAN: Client employed in Private equity industry.
BARBARIAN AT THE GATE: Private equity CEO soliciting services.
BARE TRADER: One who does not use a condom.
BASH AND DASH: A quickie
BIG BOARD: Internet site frequented by Johns.
BIG UGLIES: Bankers over 50
BILLABLE HOURS: Client time
BLACK BOX: Proprietary tricks of the trade.
BOILER-ROOM: Internet call girl operation.
BUCKET SHOP: Asian massage parlor.
BULL RUN: Doing it with Viagra
BEAR RUN: Doing it without Viagra
FRENCH BOUDOIR: John Thain's office.
BOUTIQUE SERVICE: Specialized services
BUTTERFLY SPREADER: Client who skips around

CABBAGE STAINS & MORE LLP: Prominent Wall Street law firm advocating flat fee billing.
CALL DATE: An appointment.
CAP AND COLLAR: S&M session
CAR SERVICE: Session in a limousine.
CDS: Creamy delicious sex
CHURN: Foreplay
CLOSING BELL: Close of session
COMMODE: In suite toilet.
COMPOUNDING: Multiple partners in one session
CROWN JEWELS: Genitalia

DAY TRADER: Client who only books in the afternoons.
DEAD BEAT: Banker from a bailed out firm.
DEAD CAT BOUNCE: Getting it up at the end of a session.
DEPRECIATING ASSET: Effects of aging
DERIVATIVE TRADING: Exchanging clients.
DOWN-TICK: Unaroused

EXIT STRATEGY: Client specified happy ending
EXOTIC OPTION: Special services.

FAT TAIL: Big booty
FIBONACCI NUMBERS: Menstrual cycle
FIDUCIARY DUTY: Code of silence (imagined just like in Boardrooms)
FIRM COMMITMENT UNDERWRITING: Firm paying the bill.
FLIP OVER: Both sides
FORBES RICH LIST: Maddam's field guide


FOREX DEALER: Establishment making a market in foreign service providers.

GOLDEN PARACHUTE: Designer condom
GOING DOWNTOWN: Off to a session.
GROSS SPREAD: Ungroomed

HEDGING: Arranging two call dates on the same day.

GOING LONG: Overnight
GOING SHORT: short session
GOING TO THE PRINTERS: An all night session.
GOLDEN HANDCUFFS: Popular accessory
GREEN MAIL: Banker blackmail

HOSTILE BID: Competing bid for an appointment.

INFLATED ASSETS: Silicon enhancement.

JOHN: Client; also a well known former CEO of a well known investment bank.

LEVEL 1, LEVEL 2, LEVEL 3: Service strata
LOCK UP AGREEMENT: Exclusive use of a girl.
LUNCH OUT: Lunch session

MILLE HIGH CLUB: Girls who have done tricks on French built corporate aircraft.

NAKED SHORT: Elliot Spitzer

OFF BALANCE SHEET TRANSACTION: Creative financing
OFFSHORE TRANSACTION: Out of country session (London, Frankfurt or Hong Kong where services are legal)
ONE STOP SHOP: Full service provider as in universal bank.
OPENING BELL: Start of session
OUTLIER or BLACK SWAN EVENT: Deviant sexual behaviour
OUT OF THE BOX: Sex without penetration.

PIMP: Wall Street headhunter
POISON PILL: Counterfeit Viagra
PONZI SCHEME: Using client money to pay for services.
PRIME RATE: Highest fee payable.
PRO BONO: Without charge
OTC: Over the counter Viagra
PINK SHEETS: Back section of Village Voice.

RANDOM WALK: A trick without a reference or bank letter
RATING: Bust size (DD, DDD etc.)
RATING AGENCY: Call girl operation.
RISK FACTORS: Everyone has his or her own.
ROAD SHOW: Taking the girls out on the town.

SECURITIZATION: issuing false credit card invoices for sexual services.
SMITH BARNEY: Client that likes "doing it the old fashioned way."
SPREAD: Difference between bid and asked prices.
STANDARD DEVIATION: Normal sexual behaviour.
STREET NAME: Alias identity
THE STREET: 8th Avenue; address of Cabbage Stains & More LLP HQ
SUB-PRIME DEALER: Street Pimp

TIME SHEETS: Daily tally of Billable hours
2/20: Performance based fee arrangement.
TOP UP: Extra time
TRADING BOOK: Madam's list of clients.
TRADING ROOM: S&M lair
TRIPLE WITCHING: Three girls at once

UNDERWRITER: He who foots the bill
UP-SELL: Renegotiating price mid transaction.
UPTICK: Aroused
USEFUL LIFE: 30 minus age of call girl.

WATER SPORTS: Service provided on client's yacht.
WHITE NIGHT: Client who becomes spouse or boyfriend.

ZOMBIE: Banker from bankrupted firm.

SUBPRIME STRUWWELPETER

WLLIAMBANZAI7'S SUBPRIME STRUWWELPETER
(Shock-headed Peter, Struwwelpeter)
WilliamBanzai7

Just look at him! there he stands,
With his nasty securitised hair and over leveraged hands.
See! his greedy bonus nails are never cut;
They are grimed as black as dirty subprime Wall Street soot;
And the sloven deadbeat, I declare,
Never once has combed his financial hair;
Anything to me is sweeter
Than to see Shock-headed Subprime Peter.

Struwwelpeter is an old German book of illustrated children's tales that are scary, somewhat twisted and Tim Burtonesque. Each story has an implied moral. The English version can be viewed here:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/2381012/Struwwelpeter-Merry-Stories-and-Funny-Pictures-by-Hoffmann-Heinrich-18091894

It occurred to me that some of the Struwwelpeter tales adapt well to the "Great Subprime Meltdown", hence "WilliamBanzai7's Subprime Struwwelpeter.

THE STORY OF FIDGETY GEORGE
(The Story of Fidgety Phillip, Struwwelpeter)
WilliamBanzai7's Subprime Struwwelpeter

Let me see if Georgie can
Be a an informed and intelligent gentleman;
Let me see if he is able
To sit still for once at an intellectual table":
Thus Papa Bush bade Georgie behave;
And Mamma Bush looked very grave.
But fidgety George,
He won't sit still;
He wriggles,
And giggles,
And then, I declare,
Swings backwards and forwards,
And tilts up his State Dining Room chair,
Just like a dumb GOP cowboy on a rocking horse--
"Georgie! I am getting cross!"
See the naughty, restless child
Growing still more rude and wild,
Till his Neo-conman chair falls over quite.
Georgie screams with all his might,
Catches at the cloth, but then
That makes matters worse again.
Down upon the ground they fall,
Subprime glasses, leveraged plates, derivative knives, silver bonus forks, and all.
How Mamma Bush did fret and frown,
When she saw them all go tumbling down!
And Papa Bush made such a face!
Georgie is a sad disgrace.
Where is Georgie, where is he?
Fairly covered up you see!
Cloth and all are lying on him;
He has pulled down all upon him.
What a terrible to-do!
American dishes, glasses, snapt in two!
Here a knife, and there a fork!
Georgie, this is cruel work.

THE DREADFUL STORY OF WALL STREET HARRIET AND THE DERIVATIVE MATCHES
(The Dreadful Story of Harriet and the Matches, Struwwelpeter)
WilliamBanzai's Subprime Struwwelpeter

It almost makes me cry to tell
What foolish Wall Street Harriet befell.
Mamma Roubini and Nurse Buffet went out one day
And left her all alone at play.
Now, on the table close at hand,
A box of derivative matches chanced to stand;
And kind Mamma and Nurse had told her,
That, if she played with them, they would scold her.
But Wall Street Harriet said: "Oh, what a pity!
For, when they burn, it is so pretty;
They crackle so, and spit, and flame:
Mamma, too, often does the same."
The pussy-cat pundits heard this,
And they began to hiss,
And stretch their claws,
And raise their paws;
"Me-ow," they said, "me-ow, me-ow,
You'll burn to death, if you do so."
But Wall Street Harriet would not take advice:
She lit a box of FWMD matches, it was so nice!
It crackled so, it burned so clear--
Exactly like the picture here.
She jumped for joy and ran about
And was too pleased to put it out.
The Pussy-cats and saw this
And said: "Oh, naughty, naughty Miss!"
And stretched their claws,
And raised their paws:
"'Tis very, very wrong, you know,
Me-ow, me-o, me-ow, me-o,
You will be burnt, if you do so."
And see! oh, what a dreadful thing!
The fire has caught her derivative apron-string;
Her over leveraged apron burns, her securitized arms, her long bonus hair--
She burns all over everywhere.
Then how the pussy-cats did mew--
What else, poor pussies, could they do?
They screamed for help, 'twas all in vain!
So then they said: "We'll scream again;
Make haste, make haste, me-ow, me-ow,
She'll burn to death; we told her so."
So she was burnt, with all her high priced clothes,
And arms, and hands, and eyes, and nose;
Till she had nothing more to lose
Except her little scarlet bailout shoes;
And nothing else but these was found
Among her ashes on the ground.
And when the good cats sat beside
The smoking market ashes, how they cried!

THE STORY OF FLYING HANK PAULSEN
(The Story of Flying Robert, Struwwelpeter)
WilliamBanzai7's Subprime Struwwelpeter

When the bear market rain comes tumbling down
In the country clubs or on Wall Street town,
All good little girls and boys
Stay at home and mind their toys.
But Hank Paulsen thought, "No, when it pours,
It is better out of doors."
Rain it did, and in a minute
Hank was in it.
Here you see him, silly fellow,
Underneath his red TARP umbrella.
What a bailout wind! oh! how it whistles
Through the taxpayer trees, Federal flowers and deficit thistles!
It has caught his red TARP umbrella:
Now look at him, silly fellow--
Up he flies
In the Trillion Dollar Bailout skies.
No one heard his screams and cries;
Through the subprime clouds the rude wind bore him,
And his Goldman hat flew on before him.
Soon they got to such a height,
They were nearly out of sight.
And the hat went up so high,
That it nearly touched the sovereign bankrupt sky.
No one ever yet could tell
Where they stopped, or where they fell:

CRUEL BERNIE
(Cruel Frederick, from Struwwelpeter)
WilliamBanzai7

Here is cruel Bernie, see!
A horrid wicked PONZI SCHEMER was he;
He caught the rich and wealthy flies, poor little things,
And then tore off their golden wings,
He killed the Palm Beach birds, and broke the Hollywood celebrity chairs,
And threw those wealthy European kittens into his PONZI LAIR;
And oh! far worse than all beside,
He pulled the wool over the SEC's eyes.
The PONZI trough was not full, and faithful Palm Beach dog Tray
Came out to redeem his nestegg bone one sultry day;
He wagged his tail, and wet his lip,
When cruel Bernie snatched up a lockdown whip,
And whipped poor Tray till he was sore,
And kicked and whipped him more and more:
At this, good Tray grew very red,
And growled, and bit him till he bled;
Then you should only have been by,
To see how Bernie did scream and cry!
So Bernie had to go to his Park Avenue Penthouse jail bed:
His leg was very sore and red!
The Jailhouse Doctor came, and shook his head,
And made a very great to-do,
And gave him nasty physic too.
But good dog Tray is happy now;
He has no time to say "Bow-wow!"
He seats himself in Federal Court each day
And laughs to see the nice things happening there:
The payback soup he swallows, sup by sup--
And eats the revenge pies and puddings up.

THE STORY OF DICK "HEAD IN THE AIR" FULD
(Johnny Head in Air, From Struwwelpeter)
WilliamBanzai7

As he trudged along like an arrogant Wall Street fool,
It was always Dickie Fuld's golden rule
To be looking at the pie in the market sky
Even as the subprime meltdown clouds floated by;
But what calamity just before him and Lehman lay,
Dickie never thought about;
So that every one cried out
"Look at little Dickie Fuld there,
Little Dickie Head-In-Air!"
Running just in Dickie's way
Came a big market Bear one day;
Dickies's eyes were still astray
Up on high,
In the irrationally inflated subprime sky;
And he never heard them cry
"Dickie, mind, the Bear is nigh!"
Bump!
Dump!
Down they fell, with such a thump,
Bear and Dickie in a lump!
Once, with head as high as ever,
Dickie walked beside the subprime river.
Dickie watched the derivative traders trying
Which was cleverest at riskless flying.
Oh! what fun!
Dickie watched the bright round Wall Street sun
Going in and coming out;
This was all he thought about.
So he strode on, only think!
To the subprime river's very red brink,
Where the risk of bankruptcy was high and steep,
And the MTM water very deep;
And the Lehman fishes, in a row,
Stared to see him coming so.
One step more! oh! sad to tell!
Headlong in poor Dickie Fuld fell.
And the Lehman fishes, in dismay,
Wagged their tails and swam away.
There lay Dickie on his face,
With his nice red writing-case.

The Story of the Banker that went out Shooting Investor Hares
(From Struwwelpeter)
WilliamBanzai7's Subprime Struwwelpeter

This is the Wall Street Banker that shoots investor hares;
This is the green scamster coat he always wears:
With derivatives-bag, securitisation-horn, and Ponzi scheme gun
He's going out to have some fun.
He finds it hard, without a pair
Of subprime spectacles, to shoot the hares.
The hare sits snug in leaves and grass,
And laughs to see the Banker pass.
Now, as the sun grew very hot,
And he a heavy Ponzi gun had got,
He lay down underneath a bailout tree
And went to sleep, as you may see.
And, while he slept like any top,
The little investor hare came, hop, hop, hop,
Took Ponzi gun and subprime spectacles, and then
On her hind legs went off again.
The Banker wakes and sees her place
The spectacles upon her face;
And now she's trying all she can
To shoot the sleepy, green-coat man.
He cries and screams and runs away;
The hare runs after him all day
And hears him call out everywhere:
"Help! Fire! Help! The Hare! The Hare!"
At last he stumbled at the bonusless bailout well,
Head over ears, and in he fell.

The Story of Ackerman the Deutsche Banker
Who Would not Have his Bailout Soup
(Struwwelpeter, Augustus The Boy Who Would Not Eat His Soup)
WiliamBanzai7

Ackerman was a chubby rich banker;
Fat bonuses Ackerman always had,
And everybody saw with joy
The plump and hearty, healthy banker lad.
Of late he never ate his bailout food as he was told,
And always let his bailout soup get cold.
But one day, one cold winter's day,
He screamed out "Take this bailout soup away!
O take the nasty bailout soup away!
My bonus food will come back one day."
Next day, now look, the picture shows
How lank and lean Ackerman grows!
Yet, though he feels so weak and ill,
The naughty fellow cries out still
"Not any bailout soup for me, I say:
O take the nasty bailout soup away!
I _won't_ have any bailout soup today."
The third day comes: Oh what a sin!
To make himself so pale and thin.
Yet, when the bailout soup is put on table,
He screams, as loud as he is able,
"Not any bailout soup for me, I say:
My bonus food will come back one day!
I WON'T have any bailout soup today."
Look at him, now the fourth day's come!
He scarcely weighs a sugar-plum;
He's like a little bit of Italian thread,
And, on the fifth day, his dear Deutsche Bank was walking dead!

THE STORY OF A NAUGHTY BAILOUT BUM
(Struwwelpeter, Little Suck A Thumb)
WilliamBanzai7's Subprime Struwwelpeter

One day Obama said "Conrad dear,
I must go out and leave you here.
But mind now, Conrad, what I say,
Don't suck your bailout bonus thumb while I'm away.
The great tailor Uncle Sam always comes
To bad bailout boys who suck their bonus thumbs;
And ere they dream what he's about,
He takes his great bonus taxing scissors out,
And cuts their bonus thumbs clean off--and then,
You know, they never grow again."
Obama had scarcely turned his back,
The thumb was in, Alack! Alack!
The door flew open, in he ran,
The great, long, red-legged scissor bearing Uncle Sam.
Oh! you bailout deadbeats, see! Uncle Sam the taxing tailor's come
And caught out little Banker Bailout Bum.
Snip! Snap! Snip! the bailout bonus scissors go;
And Conrad cries out "Oh! Oh! Oh!"
Snip! Snap! Snip! They go so fast,
That both his bonus thumbs are off at last.
Obama comes home: there Conrad stands,
And looks quite sad, and shows his hands;
"Ah!" said Obama, "I said he'd come
To naughty little Bailout Bonus Bum."

WALL STREET RED INK BAILOUT BOYS
(Heinrich Hoffman's Struwwelpeter, Inky Boys)
WilliamBanzai7

The Story of the Red Ink Bailout Boys
As he had often done before,
The newly elected President
One nice fine day went out
To see his constituents, and walk about;
Then Johnny Thain, little noisy banker wag,
Ran out and laughed, and waved his big red bonus flag;
And Vikram Pandit came in jacket trim,
And brought his French jet fleet and baseball stadium sponsorship with him;
And Ken Lewis, too, snatched up his toys
And joined the other naughty Wall Street boys.
So, one and all set up a roar,
And laughed and looted more and more,
And kept on singing,--only think!--
"Oh, Obama, we pay ourselves huge bonuses with taxpayer red ink!"
Now tall Secretary Geithner lived close by--
So tall, he almost touched the Wall Street sky;
He had a mighty regulatory inkstand, too,
In which a great Federal goose-feather grew;
He called out in an angry tone
"Boys, you better leave your Wall Street bonus toys home!
For, if Obama tries with all his might,
He he will put your loss riddled banks a bonus black hole overnite."
But, ah! they did not mind a bit
What great Geithner said of it;
But went on laughing, as before,
And hooting about their bonus hoard.
Then great Geithner foams with rage--
Look at him on this very page!
He seizes Thain, seizes Ken,
Takes Pandit by his little head;
And they may scream and kick and call,
Into the TARP black ink he dips them all;
Into the inkstand, one, two, three,
Till they are now bonus capped as capped can be.

UNITED STATES HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

FEBRUARY 6, 2009

SUBCOMMITTEE ON FINANCIAL SERVICES ACCEPTS
SURPRISE TESTIMONY BY BERNIE MADOFF

The following are excerpts from today's closed door hearing.

CHAIRMAN JANITORSKI: Ladies and Gentleman, following the commendable testimony of Mr. Marco Polo and the useless drivel obtained from stooges from the SEC and FINRA, the subcommittee has succeeded in arranging special supplemental testimony by Bernard C. Madoff. We are grateful to Mr. Madoff for volunteering to provide his testimony. We understand that there are a plethora of investigations targeting Mr.
Madoff and his asset management and brokerage businesses. Mr. Madoff has indicated that he has nothing to hide and is quite willing to provide his candid observations concerning the United States regulatory apparatus as it pertains to "Global Ponzinomics". I would like to thank the United States Marshall Service for its cooperation in making it possible for Mr. Madoff to attend the Forum. That is a custom designed Cartier bailout bracelet Bernie is wearing. It is designed to explode if he gets within 50 yards of Mr. Marco Polo. At this time I would also like to thank Citigroup for providing a bad jet to bring Mr. Madoff to the Capital on such short notice. Without further delay, I turn the floor over over to Mr. Madoff.

OPENING REMARKS OF MR. MADOFF: Thank you Mr. Chairman. First, I would like to offer Kudos to Mr. Markopolos. He seems to have been the singular individual who was able to divine the complexity and simplicity of Global Ponzinomics. I have read Mr. Markopolos' submissions to the subcommittee keenly. He certainly knows his greek alphabet. Although I agree with many of his conclusions there are a number of clarifications I would like to make at this time. Mr. Markopolos, I tip my hat to you. Further let me assure you that those who are intent on causing grave bodily harm to me, have no interest in injuring you, that is unless you have some special revelations to make about the business models currently employed by the Columbian drug cartels and Russian Mafia.

1. I am not a common fraudster or standard deviant. I am a Wall Street businessman. I make a living the same old fashioned way the rest of my brethren do on the "Street". We all have our own strategies for achieving a fair return for ourselves and sometimes our clients. The common link is the principles of ponzinomics first codified and applied by Charles Ponzi some 100 years ago. In the not too distant future I will be completely exonerated just like Mr. Blagojevich. Ponzinomics is the apparent backbone of global capitalism "Wall Street style". You show me a Wall Street innovation, I'll show you a Ponzi axiom. There is a little bit of Ponzi innovation in all of us. It's in our nature.

2. The Madoff model is essentially the same riskless ponzinomial expansion applied by Wall Street's securitization and derivatives industry. Opacity and incomprehensibility are key. Moreover, my black box contains the same spaghetti and meatballs as the many black boxes employed in the rest of the hedge fund industry with one key difference, I dont pay commissions to prime brokerages.

3. My sons are total canards. Trust me, if I had let them in on the Madoff strategy, we would have been just another brokerage and investment firm struggling to make a dishonest dime.

4. I originally thought Megan Cheung was the television newswoman Connie Chung. Imagine my disappointment when she did not show up for my interview in person. When I later learned that Ms. Cheung was a Branch Chief at the SEC NY Regional Office, I decided to add some excitement to my life. I prepared a detailed 36 page confession (Exhibit A) and delivered to Ms. Cheung clandestinely, inside an order of Moosho Pork from from China Fun, which is right down the block from my Park Avenue Apartment. I thought Ms. Cheung would be a clever adversary. However, her response was disappointing to say the least. She sent a clandestine return message to me, also inside a delivery of China Fun Moosho Pork. There were no fingerprint's on the carton, at least as far as I could tell. The message was short and I quote it here for the Subcommittee.

Dear Mr. Madoff,

Thank you for participating in the SEC's TIPs program. Your TIP will be examined in due course by the staff. If the staff determines that your TIP has merit, we will contact you in due course. However, you should be aware that the SEC is primarily busy pursuing Martha Stewart and other well known celebrities. If you do not hear from us. it is not because we do not care.

Ethically and diligently yours,

Megan Cheung, Esq.
Branch Chief

As the subcommittee can imagine I found this disappointing to say the least. Oh well, you know what they say in Chinatown, "If the Mooshoo fits, wear it."

5. There is no such thing as a "sophisticated investor". My dog "Spreadsheets" (as in he ate my spread sheets) is more sophisticated and market savy than the hundreds of European bottom feeders, golf course day traders, pension funds, celebrities and mobsters and Wall Street banksters who invested in the Madoff funds.

6. Much has been said about my luxurious Park Avenue jail cell. All of it is true.

7. Elliot Spitzer is not as smart as you think.

8. I would like to extend a warm personal invitation to Dick Fuld, Jimmy Cayne, Sandy Weil, Chuck Prince, Stan O'Neal, John Thain, Ken Screwless Lewis and any other Wall Street kleptocrat, to join me for a regular Thursday night poker game.

9. There is one other party that seems to have bested me. The President of Rally Motors in Roslyn NY. He is a worthy nominee for consideration as Chief of Enforcement at the SEC.

10. Mr. Markopolos, in honor of your magnificent but futile efforts with the SEC, I have arranged for custom made Cartier platnum bailout whistle with your name engraved in zirconium.

HEARING RECESS: Members powder session....

THE SEC
(the Adam's Family)
WilliamBanzai7

They're sleepy and they're stupid,
Delirious and maybe even crooked,
They're all together shaky,
Their called the SEC.

Their office is a brain dead mausoleum
Where people come to see 'em
They really are a scream
Their called the SEC.

(Naive)
(Incompetent)
(Useless)

So get your undercover shawl on
And a whistle you can blow on
We're gonna pay a call on
The United States SEC.

RIDDLE:

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A MONKEY SITTING IN A TREE WITH A LAPTOP?

A: A BRANCH CHIEF

PONZI WIZARD

PONZI CALL WIZARD
(Pinball Wizard, the Who)
WilliamBanzai7

Ever since I was a young boy
I've played the Ponzi game
From Wall Street down to Palm Beach
Those suckers are all the same
But I ain't seen nothing like him
In any financial services mega mall
That soft spoken Park Avenue yid
Sure makes a mean PONZI CALL

He stands straight like a mensch
Becomes part of the asset management machine
Sucking all the country club believers
Always playing a devious scheme
He cons European banking institutions
Their diligence brains are small
That low down rotten mamzer Madoff
Sure makes a mean PONZI CALL

He's a PONZI CALLIN wizard
There's got to be a twist
A PONZI CALLIN wizard
He's got such a waiting list

How do you think he does it?
(I don't know)
What makes him so good?

He ain't got no distractions
Can't hear those opening buzzers and bells
Don't see SEC red lights a flashin'
Plays by sense of yutz smell
Always gets them to prepay
Never wilts at all
That low down Park Avenue gonif Madoff
Sure makes a mean PONZI CALL

I thought I was
The PONZI Scamin king
But I just handed
My PONZI crown to him

Even on my boiler room floor
He can beat my best
His shnook disciples follow him in
And he just does the rest
He's got a crazy trader shpiel
Never seen him stall
That low down scamin gonif Madoff
Sure makes a mean PONZI CALL

Henry Kravis reads today's Wall Street Journal

THE EMPEROR OF WALL STREET HAS NO CLOTHES
(The Emperor has No Clothes-Hans Christian Anderson)
WilliamBanzai7

Just a few years ago, there was a Wall Street CEO, who was so excessively fond of stacking new lines of business, that he spent all his shareholder's money on building a financial supermarket otherwise known a "universal bank". He did not trouble himself in the least about his shareholders; nor did he care about his other stakeholders; clients, customers, creditors, bondholders and the rest of the public, except for the opportunities they afforded him for raking in exorbitant fees, paying obscene compensation to himself and his soldiers and displaying his fancy new French Jet and haughty collection of French antiques. To support this bank juggernaut he cloaked himself in new and evermore sophisticated financial schemes for each passing hour of the day; and as of any other king or emperor, one is accustomed to say, “he is sitting in council,” it was always said of him, “The 'Emperor CEO' is sitting in his splendidly diversified wardrobe."

Time passed merrily in the city which housed his Headquarters; strangers arrived every day at his commodious office suite. One day, two rogues, calling themselves quantitative engineers made their appearance. They gave out that they knew how to structure exotic new securities offering magnificent risk free returns, the profits from which should have the wonderful property of remaining invisible to everyone who was unfit for the office he held, or who was extraordinarily simple in character.

“These must, indeed, be splendid securities!” thought the Emperor. “Had I such structured products to hawk, I might at once find out what bankers in my realms are unfit for their office, and also be able to pull the wool over the eyes of both the wise and the foolish! These structured securities must be spun for me immediately.” And he caused large sums of capital to be given to both the "Quants" in order that they might begin their work directly.

So the two Quants set up shop, and affected to work very busily, though in reality they did nothing at all. They asked for the finest AAA mortgages to pool and the purest streams of income to repackage; after running out of both in short order; they substituted the AAA mortgages with toxic sub-prime mortgages they managed to scrounge up from a broker named Frankie the Flipper and continued their pretended work at the printers until late at night.

“I should like to know how the Quants are getting on,” said the Banker CEO to himself, after some little time had elapsed; he was, however, rather embarrassed, when he remembered that a simpleton, or one unfit for his office, would be unable to see the manufacture. To be sure, he thought he had nothing to risk in his own person; but yet, he would prefer sending somebody else, to bring him intelligence about the Quants and their work, before he troubled himself in the affair. All the people throughout the city had heard of the wonderful property the structured products were to possess; and all were anxious to learn how wise, or how ignorant, their neighbors might prove to be.

“I will send my faithful old Chief Risk Management Officer to the Quants,” said the Emperor at last, after some deliberation, “he will be best able to see how the structured finance business looks; for he is a man of sense, and no one can be more suitable for his office than he is.”

So the faithful old Chief Risk Management Officer went onto the floor, where the Quants were working with all their might, at their securitisation models. “What can be the meaning of this?” thought the old man, opening his eyes very wide. “I cannot discover the least bit of financial common sense in these spread sheets” However, he did not express his thoughts aloud.

The Quants requested him very courteously to be so good as to come nearer their computer screens; and then asked him whether the models pleased him, and whether the numbers were not very beautiful; at the same time pointing to tranches and tranches of securitised toxic sub-prime mortgages. The poor Chief Risk Management Officer looked and looked, he could not discover anything of value in the spread sheets for the structured products designed by the Quants for a very good reason, viz: there was nothing there. “What!” thought he again. “Is it possible that I am a simpleton? I have never thought so myself; and no one must know it now if I am so. Can it be, that I am unfit for my office? No, that must not be said either. I will never confess that I could not see the stuff.”

“Well, Mr Risk Manager!” said one of the Quants, still pretending to work. “You do not say whether the stuff pleases you."

“Oh, it is excellent!” replied the Chief Risk Management officer, looking at the spreadsheets through his spectacles. “These risk models, and the profits yes, I will tell the Emperor CEO without delay, how very beautiful I think them.”

“We shall be much obliged to you,” said the Quants, and then they named the different tranches and described the risk/return profile of the pretended stuff. The Chief Risk Management Officer listened attentively to their words, in order that he might repeat them to the Emperor CEO; and then the Quants asked for more working capital, saying that it was necessary to complete what they had begun. However, they put all that was given them into their bloated bonus knapsacks; and continued to work with as much apparent diligence as before at their structured finance models.

The Emperor CEO now sent a emissary from the Rating Agency of his court to see how the men were getting on, and to ascertain whether the structured products would soon be ready. It was just the same with this gentleman as with the minister; he surveyed the spread sheets on all sides, but could see nothing at all but financial schlock.

“Does not the stuff appear as beautiful to you, as it did to our Chief Risk Management Officer?” asked the Quants of the emissary from the Rating Agency; at the same time making the same gestures as before, and talking of the diversification hedges and safe returns which were not there, all as they signed the lucrative Rating Agency Contract of Engagement.

“I certainly am not stupid!” thought the emissary. “It must be, that I am not fit for my good, but very profitable office! That is very odd; however, no one shall know anything about it.” And accordingly he praised the safe returns he could not see, and declared that he was delighted with both the risk model and profits. “Indeed, please your Imperial Majesty,” said he to the Emperor CEO when he returned, “the structured products which the Quants are spinning are extraordinarily magnificent.”

The whole city was talking of the splendid structured product business which the Emperor CEO had ordered to be woven at the expense of his shareholders.

And now the Emperor CEO himself wished to see the costly manufacture. Accompanied by a select number of officers of the bank, among whom were the two honest men who had already admired the spread sheets, he went to the crafty Quants, who, as soon as they were aware of the Emperor CEO's approach, went on working more diligently than ever; although they still had not designed a single asset with intrinsic value.

“Is not the work absolutely magnificent?” said the officer and emissary, already mentioned. “If your Majesty will only be pleased to look at it! What a splendid risk model! What glorious returns” and at the same time they pointed to the toxic spread sheets; for they imagined that everyone else could see this exquisite piece of quantitative wizardry.

“How is this?” said the Emperor to himself. “I can see nothing! This is indeed a terrible affair! Am I a simpleton, or am I unfit to be an Emperor CEO? That would be the worst thing that could happen–Oh! the risk model is charming,” said he, aloud. “It has my complete approbation.” And he smiled most graciously, and looked closely at the toxic sub-prime spreadsheets; for on no account would he say that he could not see what two of the officers of his court had praised so much. All his retinue now strained their eyes, hoping to discover something on the screens but they could see no more than the others; nevertheless, they all exclaimed,

“Oh, how beautiful!” and advised his majesty the Emperor CEO to have a new sub-prime CDO suit made from the profits generated by these splendid toxic sub-prime assets, for the approaching Bailout Procession. “Magnificent! Charming! Excellent!” resounded on all sides; and everyone was uncommonly gay. The Emperor CEO shared in the general satisfaction; and along with a massive Multi Million Dollar bonus or two, presented the Quants with the riband of an order of Managing Directors, to be worn in their Ferragamo button-holes, and the title of “Gentlemen Investment Bankers.”

The Quants sat up the whole of the night before the day on which the magnificent Bailout Procession was to take place, and had sixteen mainframes running so that everyone might see how anxious they were to fabricate the Emperor CEOs new CDO suit. They pretended to roll a positive P&L off the toxic sub-prime spreadsheets; blew hot air with their pitch books and threaded mathematical needles without any thread in them. “See!” cried they, at last. “The Emperor CEO's new structured clothes are ready!”

And now the Emperor CEO, with all the grandees of his court, came to the Quants; and the rogues raised their arms, as if in the act of holding something up, saying, “Here are your Majesty’s Clothes! Here is the Level III scarf! Here is the sub-prime mantle! The whole suit is as light as an opaque toxic sub-prime cobweb; one might fancy one has nothing at all on, when dressed in it; that, however, is the great virtue of this delicate cloth.”

“Yes indeed!” said all the courtiers, although not one of them could see anything of this exquisite manufacture.

“If your Imperial Majesty will be graciously pleased to take off your bespoke Saville row clothes, we will fit on the new sub-prime CDO suit, in front of the financial looking glass.”

The Emperor CEO was accordingly undressed, and the Quant rogues pretended to array him in his new sub-prime CDO suit; the Emperor CEO turning round, from side to side, before the financial looking glass.

“How splendid his Majesty looks in his new clothes, and how well they fit!” everyone cried out. “What a model! What risk free returns! These are indeed royal robes!”

“The bailout canopy which is to be borne over your Majesty, in the procession, is waiting,” announced Hank Paulsen, the chief master of the ceremonies.

“I am quite ready,” answered the Emperor CEO. “Do my new asset backed clothes fit well?” asked he, turning himself round again before the financial looking glass, in order that he might appear to be examining his handsome sub-prime CDO suit.

The lords of the Finance department, who were to carry his Majesty’s bailout train felt about on the ground, as if they were lifting up the ends of the toxic sub-prime mantle; and pretended to be carrying something; for they would by no means betray anything like simplicity, or unfitness for their office.

So now the Emperor CEO walked under his high canopy in the midst of the bailout procession, through the streets of the Wall Street financial district; and all the bankers and traders standing by, and those at the windows, cried out, “Oh! How beautiful are the Emperor CEO's new asset backed clothes! What a magnificent train there is to the toxic sub-prime mantle; and how gracefully the Level III scarf hangs!” in short, no one would allow that he could not see these much-admired clothes; because, in doing so, he would have declared himself either a simpleton or unfit for his office. Certainly, none of the Emperor CEO's various suits, had ever made so great an impression, as these invisible ones.

“But the Emperor has nothing at all on!” cried a little child hedge fund manager.

“Listen to the voice of transparency!” exclaimed his father; and what the child had said was whispered from one to another.

“But he has nothing at all on!” at last cried out all the hedge fund managers and bear traders.

The Emperor CEO was vexed, for he knew that the people were right; but he thought the Bailout Procession must go on now! And the lords of the Emperor CEO's bedchamber took greater pains than ever, to appear holding up a train, although, in reality, there was no train to hold up.