Tuesday, September 29, 2009


BANZAI7 NEWS--As promised, BANZAI7 NEWS has obtained the following excerpt from Sarah Palin's much anticipated autobiography: "I'm Going to Disrobe: The Diary of a Neocon Nitwit."

CHAPTER 560.5: Moose Hunting

We GOP hunters are an odd lot. Our skill requires the patience of a saint, legs of an experienced pollster and a keen sense of political direction. This chapter will attempt to demystify national politics based on my experience hunting wild moose in Alaska.

While Alaskan moose (acles alces gigas) are a bit different from Republican neocons and right winged nut jobs, the ideas presented here should apply to those hunting all moose species (alces alces americana, alces alces shirasi, acles acles andersoni and asshole Republic-anus) as well as lunatic fringe voters in states like Idaho, Colorado, Utah, Montana, New Hampshire, Crawford Texas, Las Vegas, Anchorage, Wasilla, Moscow, Hong Kong and some of the Canadian Provinces (ooops I forgot, Canada does not count).

Voters are crepuscular creatures, meaning they are most active in the early morning hours before work and late day after work, much like bats and insects. They have a great sense of hearing and any conservative right wing gibberish you create will cause them to become focused upon the words you are saying. Add to their merit a sense of political smell that is also acute and now you have an animal that will put any Republican big game politician to the test.

The terrain which voters inhabit is most important in planning and executing your campaign. Hunting waterways such as the Bering Straights by boat is a great way to cover distances that you could not cover otherwise and common sense dictates that the more territory you cover the more likely you will run into a voter who does not care about substantive issues and facts. Did you know moose can actually swim. I first learned this when I first saw my husband Todd at the beach.

Know your wind direction at all times since nothing spooks a newspaper reporter (yes, I am a serious reader of the National Enquirer) more than the cheap perfume of a camoflaged Alasakan trailor gal coming out of the woods. At times it is impossible to be in the right wind direction when you observe a reporter, therefore it is advisable to become part of the landscape, freeze! Nothing will alert a reporter more than the movement of campaign donations and expensive receipts from designer label fashion boutiques. Many times I have come across a reporter unexpectedly and if I freeze in my tracks, they usually spook and run off.

It's rather remarkable that a truly sympathetic reporter can be so hard to but it's true. When making a public speech, don't make yourself a silhouette by standing on the ridge line, stay just below it in order to gain a vantage point but not to become highly visible to the press.

When speaking in public, stay low and try to shield their line of vision to you by natural obstacles such as any trees, vegetation, rocks, tables, bar stools, motor bikes, propane tanks, running mates, etc.

In the erection season (I learned a little Cantonese on my trip to Hong Kong) big political bulls are concerned about breeding and fighting, period. They are at their most vulnerable but never come to the belief that you are going to just walk right up on them and say "howdy"!

Just because in your stalk you see a bunch of friendly political cows, like rich lobbyists, campaign donors, friendly right wing bloggers and media icons ala Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh, does not necessarily mean there are no bulls in the area.

Heavily financed bulls will habitually lag behind the cows, perhaps making sure it's safe passage before they present themselves. I suggest you wait at least 10-15 minutes after seeing cows before you make your move. If you spook the cows there is a good chance the bulls will give you the golden hoof.

[For detailed information on Moose hunting go to BigGameHunt.net]

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