GOLDMAN RESTRUCTURES PUBLIC RELATIONS

BANZAI7 NEWS--To help Americans learn to love the blood sucking vampire squid that just destroyed the nation of Greece, Goldman Squid head Lloyd Blankfein is bringing in a media relations firm run by former Bush aide Dan Bartlett.  Bartlett was President Bush's longest-serving aide and, more importantly, the press's official "Senior Administration Official speaking on the condition of anonymity" of 2001-2007.

Here is a preview of Goldman's restructured PR gameplan:

1. Attack your opponents before they attack you, using modern "swiftboat" tactics.

2. Fear is your strongest  ally, induce fear and the public can be neutralised. Fear of the economic armageddon, fear of mass uprising, fear of communism should all be deployed. Suggested slogan: "Goldman Squid, America's Savior."

3. The truth is more irrelevant than you may think. When in doubt do a jig.

4.  Always imply what you can't say directly. Example: Instead of saying "we do God's work" always close statements of intention with the words "God willing."

5. All releases should be channeled through Fox News. Become a paying sponsor of the Glen Beck Show. Prepare daily market briefings for Rove, Limbaugh, Beck and Palin.

6. From here on in only watch Fox News. Don't read books and magazines.

7. Enlist Colin Powell to explain complicated trading positions and FWMD.

8. Never admit you made a mistake and never say "mission accomplished."

9. No press interviews.

10. Dress like cowboys and use folksy cowboy vernacular whenever possible. Financial jargon in cowboy dialect can be found here.

11.  Suggest immediate interdiction and water boarding of Matt Taibbi of Rolling Stone.