COLLISION COURSE

BANZAI7 NEWS--The Large Hadron Quantitative Collider, the world’s too biggest and most expensive to fail science experiment, produced its first derivative collisions on Monday, said scientists at CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, outside Geneva.

Seemingly making up for lost time after years of financial disasters, the collisions came only three days after engineers had begun shooting contracts known as credit default swaps around their 17-mile underground trading room. The physicists announced that they had succeeded in making simulated Goldman Sachs and AIG derivative portfolios collide, producing what they called “systemic collision events” in the bailout giant detectors in the collider.